07 Unforgiveness

Welcome back. In this session, we're going to be covering unforgiveness. As a pastor, I've just seen how hard it is to sometimes forgive people that have hurt us, either through deed or through word. And so let's listen to this wonderful revelation in God's scripture on how we can and must forgive one another, and how the grace of Jesus is available to motivate us and give us the energy and the power to be able to do so.

So in this session, we'll be dealing with the subject of unforgiveness—forgiving people that might have hurt us in our lives. Being a pastor in a local congregation for many years, I've just realized that it's something that a lot of people battle with. Unforgiveness has a massive impact on the way that we walk out our Christian walk and mature as Christians.

Forgiveness Means Letting Go

If you look at the New Testament, the word for forgiveness is *aphiemi*. It means to let go. When I think of letting go, I think of a movie. It's called *Letting Go*. It's a movie from around about 2005, and it's about one of my heroes. He's not a Christian hero, but he's a surfer. His name's Kelly Slater. He's won 11 world titles. He started surfing competitively in 1990. He won his first world title in '92, at the age of 20, and he won his last world title in 2011 at the age of 39, which makes him the youngest world champion and the oldest world champion. He's still competing to this day. He's turning 50 next week, and he just won another competition. And he's competing against guys half his age. And when people talk about athletes, they mention him in the same breath as guys like Michael Schumacher, who won the Formula One championships seven times; Lewis Hamilton, seven times; Muhammad Ali, and so on. So he is an incredible athlete.

In his career he surfed competitively from 1990 to 1998. He then retired after he had won six world titles, and then he came back out of semi-retirement in 2002 and started competing again, but almost won nothing for three years. And in 2005, they make this movie about his life, where they follow him around the world surfing these competitions from place to place all around the world. There's an incredible moment in this movie where he speaks, and he speaks about his personal life. He grew up in a broken family. His dad was an alcoholic. He came out of a divorced home, and this really impacted his life greatly. And he speaks about his estranged daughter that he's got and just friendships that over the years have broken and dissolved for many different reasons.

Then he went back and he started to reconcile with his father—his father developed cancer. He reconciled with his daughter. He reconciled with his friendships. And, after being in the slump, he said he let it all go. There's a moment in the movie that says he let it go, and then he started winning again. And from 2005 to 2011, he won another five world titles.

The illustration that I want to take from this is, when we have unforgiveness or unresolved issues in our life—all of us have got things in our life where people have let us down. Maybe our parents got divorced, or maybe one of our parents were an alcoholic. Or maybe we got let down by our sisters, or brothers, or a school friend. Or maybe words were spoken about us, or to us, that hurt us. And when we have these unresolved things in us, they have a great impact on what we can be and what we can achieve, and also in the spiritual.

The Unforgiving Servant in Matthew 18

In Matthew 18:34, speaking about this very topic of unforgiveness—it's a long portion of scripture, but I'm just going to focus on those last two verses: "And in anger, his master delivered him to the jailers of the tormentors until he should pay all his debt."

And so the story is this. There's a servant. He owed the king a lot of money, like 40 grams of silver. And he went to the king and pleaded for the king to release him from this debt. And the king wrote it off and he said, "You can go." And on the way out from the courts, this servant walked past another servant who owed him 0.4 grams of silver. That's in comparison—that's a lot of silver and a little bit of silver. And he grabbed this guy in anger and took him to the judge and said, "Lock this guy up." And the king heard about this and the king was super upset. That's the context that this scripture speaks into. When the king heard of this, and in anger, the master delivered him over to the tormentors. "So also my Heavenly Father will do to every one of you if you do not forgive your brother from your heart."

And so what happens to us when we don't forgive people is that we get stuck. It's like we get put in a jail. But this is a special jail. This is a jail that goes wherever you go. You can move town, you can move church, but you always take yourself wherever you go.

And if you've got unforgiveness in your heart, you'll take this jail and this prison with you. And you can get stuck in your Christian walk. You can get stuck in your—in growing in maturity. And when you get stuck, it obviously jeopardizes your inheritance.

It jeopardizes your growth. Because You can't be used in what God has for you. The plan, the purpose, and the destiny. The Scripture in verse 34 is very scary to me. It says that you get handed over to your tormentors to be tortured.

So how do we get tortured when we don't forgive someone? How we get tortured by this is, that if you don't forgive someone, you've got an attachment to that person. And whenever you think about what that person did or said about you, you relive those thoughts and those feelings. It relives in you. And then you feel those emotions. And then it separates you from that person. So we get tortured by our unforgiveness. And we can also keep other people stuck, if we have unforgiveness towards them. I know a story.

It's a true story. It's about a pastor who led a church and then went into moral failure. He then repented and we've tried to restore him. But because people in the congregation aren't willing to forgive him and receive him back, we've been unable to restore him back into the position that God has for him.

And we know that God is a God of grace and a God of mercy. And that if we make mistakes, then we repent, that God can take us through a restorative process. So sometimes it's not just that our unforgiveness impacts us, but it's also that our unforgiveness can impact people around us and keep them from walking into their purpose and destiny.

What Keeps Us from Forgiving?

So what prevents me from letting go? It might be ignorance. That you didn't know that you should forgive. And now I want to say that you've got no more excuse. We know that as Christians we should forgive just like Christ has forgiven us.

God is a God of grace and mercy. Mercy is extended mercy towards us when we should have been punished. What did He do? He sent His Son, that while we were yet sinners He sent His Son Christ to die for our sins. And for me it is almost this concept of lordship of Christ.

You can ask yourself the question, why should I forgive as a Christian? Well, if you're a Christian, then the spirit that should be ruling in your heart should be which spirit? It should be the Holy Spirit. And if the Holy Spirit is ruling in your heart, then how would you act?

He would act like God acted. And so there should be a willingness to be merciful and gracious when people make mistakes and actually hurt us. And I want to say to you, as a Christian and as a non-Christian, you will get hurt, especially in church.

Because church is not a perfect place. Church is just a place where there's a whole bunch of sinners trying to follow Jesus and we're trying to get better in the Lord. And so if you're a Christian, make yourself ready because there's gonna be a moment where you're gonna have to let go.

You're gonna have to extend mercy and grace like God extended mercy and grace towards us. Maybe something that prevents you from letting go is this: I want justice and revenge. And that's not the Christian way. Did God want to punish us? That punishment was poured out upon His Son, Jesus Christ, so that we could go free.

When Bitterness Becomes Part of Your Identity

So God's not a God of justice and revenge. Maybe another thing that can prevent us from letting go and forgiving is that I've walked around with my hurt for so long that it's actually become part of my identity. And so there's a thing in psychology called Stockholm Syndrome.

Stockholm is a city, and there was a bank robbery somewhere in the 1970s. I might get the details slightly wrong, but the gist of the story is this. In 1970 there was a bank robbery. And these bank robbers took a whole bunch of people hostage.

And they were held hostage for a couple of days. And then when the police eventually broke into the bank and they were trying to free these hostages, the hostages fought on behalf of their captors. Because in psychology, if you're being held captive by someone, then sometimes you can develop positive feelings towards the very person that keeps you captive.

Now, if you've walked a long road with demons of bitterness and unforgiveness and resentment, sometimes it's hard to get rid of them. Because they've become so part of who we are. We actually grow to like our captors. We like fellowshipping with our demons.

Because we somehow in a masochistic way, we like the feeling that we get. You know, you put on some Tori Amos or some Leonard Cohen. You guys still listen to Tori Amos and Leonard Cohen? No, some depressive music. Your girlfriend broke up with you and you go listen to some Phil Collins, you know.

Yeah. Okay. Also another thing that can happen when we don't let go is we develop these landmines. You have an offense in your heart. Something happened. Maybe someone spoke about you in a bad manner. They gossiped about you or they slandered and you've kept this in your heart.

And it's grown from unforgiveness to bitterness to resentment. But the sand of time has come and it's covered it over. And so you can't even remember that you were offended by a person. And now someone else comes and do something similar. And you have this massive overreaction.

Because you've still got this wound that's been left. And so a great way to see whether we have areas of unforgiveness in our life that have been covered over with the sand of time is if someone steps on an area in our life and the landmine goes off.

The Fruits of Forgiveness

There's a massive overreaction. Then maybe you've got a wound there. And these things normally will present themselves in marriage. So what are the fruits of forgiveness? When I forgive, I go free. And when I forgive, the other person also goes free. And so we see when Jesus is on the cross being crucified unjustly, He says, "Father, forgive them for they know not what they do."

And we see another example of that when Stephen the deacon is being stoned. Stephen the deacon preached and the Jews got so upset with him. It said that they grinded their teeth and then they took him outside the city gates where they stoned the people.

And they laid their robes at Saul's feet, as a sign of submission to authority. To Paul, this stoning was right. He gave the permission. That's what laying of the robes at his feet meant. And then they stoned him. As he got stoned, heaven opened up.

Stephen saw heaven, saw God, saw Jesus, and then he said, "Father, forgive them." That's in Acts 7:58-59. And then I believe that that forgiveness that was spoken, that grace and mercy that was extended, manifested a couple of weeks later when Saul was on the road to Damascus.

And Jesus appears to him and says, "Saul, Saul, why are you persecuting Me?" He falls off his horse and he gets saved. When we forgive people, especially when they are undeserving of our forgiveness, there's something of the grace of God and the grace of the kingdom of our Lord Jesus Christ that flows through us.

That enables people to repent and come to the Lord. And so forgiveness is not just an act that we do, it's a weapon in our hand. And Jesus came and He showed us the way. How we should fight this war. You see, we don't fight like the world fights.

We fight in an opposite spirit. And so if the world reacts in revenge and resentment and malice and anger, we react in forgiveness and mercy and grace. Because that's what Jesus has come and showed us. And then the last point that I wanna cover is this.

How to Recognize Unforgiveness

Say you have some unforgiveness in your heart towards someone. Number one, how do you know? Well, I would say that ask the Holy Spirit to reveal it to you. Number two, maybe there's areas in your life that you overreact with—relationships, interrelationships, people talk about you.

Then you might investigate and ask the Holy Spirit to reveal to you. But if you find an area of unforgiveness or a person that you don't want to be with or a person that you can't stand or a person that you slander or gossip about, then you know there's probably something in there.

How to Forgive from the Heart

And then the Bible says that we should forgive them from the heart. So how do we forgive? We've seen in that scripture that Jesus says that we must forgive from the heart. And to forgive from the heart is exactly the same as Jesus forgave us and extended grace and mercy towards us.

And so to forgive from the heart is applying the blood of Jesus in a way that Jesus applied His blood to you. And it talks about those four things. It talks about consecration. It talks about imputation.

And consecration was to bring us into the purposes of God. So to forgive from our heart is an acknowledgement that God has a plan and a purpose for that person. Even though they hurt you. That God still loves them, and that God still has a plan and a purpose for them.

And so a good thing to do there would be to ask for forgiveness. Lord, I'm so sorry that I've got unforgiveness in my heart towards this person. And then to pray a blessing over them. So Lord, bless this person and bring them into the plan and the purpose and the destiny that You have for them.

It's also the expiation. Remember God doesn't remember our sins. He doesn't re-chew on the sins. And so for us to forgive from our heart means is to stop re-chewing the event that brought us the pain and the anger. Every time you re-chew it, you go back to that space.

We have to apply self-discipline and stop and ask the Lord to help you to apply. Because one of the fruits of the Spirit is discipline. So ask the Holy Spirit to help you to discipline yourself. To not go back there in your mind and relive those memories.

And then propitiation. The sacrifice that turns away the anger and to let go of your right to punish that person for what they did to you. Vengeance is Mine, says the Lord. And so each one of us will give an account for our lives.

And so hand that over to the Lord and get rid of your anger and your right to punish. And then fourthly, there's the imputation. There's the dedication. The devotion to fellowship. If when we forgive someone, there's always the possibility or the probability of reconciliation.

Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Re-establishing our relationship with the person that hurt us. Now in some instances that might be easy, depending on the level of hurt and on what was done and what was said. And sometimes that might be harder. Sometimes that'll just automatically happen. You'll forgive and your heart will be sorted out and that friendship could be restored.

But maybe, you know, you came out of an abusive relationship. And then I would say, work that through. Work the reconciliation of your relationship through with people that you trust, that you don't put yourself in a dangerous situation. We can still walk in the forgiveness of the Lord without relationships being fully reconciled.

You understand what I'm saying? You can keep your side of your heart clean while still working towards it. It just means that you've forgiven the person. You've let go. You can work out with leaders and people that are wise on how to restore relationships.

Forgiveness Is Often a Daily Process

They could be complex situations, and that's how we forgive from our hearts. So someone might ask, is forgiveness a once-off action? Depending on how deep the wound is that you have, and how deep the unforgiveness is, and how long you've had it, and the severity of the deed or the word that was spoken over you, and the impact that it had into you, you might have to choose to forgive on a daily basis for a while until you break through. And just remember, you're not in this on your own.

Jesus suffered all that we could suffer as a human. He took on flesh. He suffered. And so the Bible says in Hebrews that when we're suffering, we call out to Him that He runs to our aid. And so we're not in this on our own.

In our own human capacity, it is almost impossible to forgive. But with the aid of the Holy Spirit and the prayer of Jesus and the assistance that we receive from that, it's possible to forgive. To show the same heart that Jesus had towards us, we can show towards other people.

When Forgiveness Feels Stuck

And that's the story of the Gospel: forgiveness and mercy. What happens if my forgiveness is not working? So in other words, maybe you've been forgiving and forgiving and forgiving, and it feels like you're just not getting breakthrough. Those feelings remain, the anger, the animosity remain there.

In that case, I would say, we're the body of Christ, and the body's got many parts. The Bible in James says that if you confess our sins one to another that we will be healed of it, and that the prayer of the righteous man makes tremendous power available.

And so we're not in this fight by ourselves. If you find yourself in a situation or in an area where you've got unforgiveness and it feels like you just can't get breakthrough in that area, I would approach a leader, or a mature Christian, someone that you can trust.

Someone that you know that have walked a road with the Lord to sit with you and to talk this thing through with you so that I can get it out into the light. Because 1 John 1:9 says that as we live in the light, He is in the light.

And we have true fellowship with one another. And when we bring these things into the light, sometimes the devil has got a shadow there, and he's got a hold. We bring it into the light, and immediately there is freedom. We get perspective. A barrier to this is the fear that if we share these weak and vulnerable parts with other people, that we're going to get rejected.

The exact opposite is true. As we live in the light, as He is in the light, we have true fellowship with one another. We actually move closer to one another, not further apart. I would get a friend or a counselor or an elder.

Or whoever in your church, someone that you trust to sit and pray. And the prayer of a righteous man makes tremendous power available. And there can be healing that can come over a period of time. But you will have breakthrough. It might just take a little bit of time.

Andrew's Testimony on Forgiveness

We've talked about the importance of forgiveness. Let's now listen to Andrew's testimony on how God enabled him to forgive someone that really had a negative impact on his life. I wish I had passed out and I didn't see all the stuff I saw.

But unfortunately I saw everything. The bike accident wasn't my fault. And I had a lot of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness in my heart because of losing my leg and the trauma I went through. So in 2006, I started studying engineering at UCT.

And I bought myself a motorbike. Then in February 2007, I was involved in a really bad motorbike accident. And I lost my leg above the knee. Luckily at the time, my youth pastor heard the accident from across the road. He ran across the road and tied his belt around my leg.

And stopped the bleeding, saved my life. I was in hospital for about a month. Almost died of my injuries, mostly because of loss of blood. I'm very thankful to God that I'm still here today. So, at the time of my accident, I was studying engineering at UCT.

And I decided to drop those studies because it was an engineering. I'd have to be out and about, outside and walking a lot, so I decided that wasn't going to be the thing for me. Because I'd struggle to walk outdoors a lot with a prosthetic leg.

I decided to start studying medical orthotics and prosthetics, which involves making prosthetic legs for people. Because I thought if I'm wearing a prosthetic leg, then I'll be able to help out people in a similar circumstance to me. The Orthotics and Prosthetics course was in Pretoria, and then I moved back to Cape Town, which is my home.

And I started going to a Joshua Generation church, which one of my good friends invited me to. My community leader at the time, he challenged me on my unforgiveness and bitterness I had in my heart towards the person who caused my motorbike accident.

The bike accident wasn't my fault. And the car kind of turned in front of my lane and took my leg off on the scene. I wish I had passed out and I didn't see all the stuff I saw, but unfortunately I saw everything.

And I had a lot of bitterness and anger and unforgiveness in my heart because of losing my leg and the trauma I went through. So, as I said, my community leader at the time told me that this unforgiveness and bitterness is not good and it's not from God.

Ultimately he said, "Listen, you gotta forgive this. You gotta forgive this guy for taking your leg off." Even though I didn't want to, I understood that it was something I had to do because God had forgiven me of my sins because of Jesus dying on the cross for me.

So I understood, because of that, I had to forgive this guy for taking my leg off. It is a real long, hard process to go through. Forgiving someone that you don't really want to forgive. But it's something you have to decide in your heart and in your head that you have to do it.

And you want to do it. And once you've made the decision that you're going to do it, it becomes a little bit easier. Even now, I still struggle with it sometimes. But because I know I've chosen to forgive this guy and I have forgiven him, that I know that I'm good with God.

It's crazy how this can bring up such emotion. So long. I'm OK, guys. Living with unforgiveness in your heart is a really difficult thing to keep with you. It's really tough to live with that unforgiveness. And God calls us to forgive people just because Jesus died on the cross and God forgave our sins.

If you're struggling with unforgiveness, try and process that with one of your leaders. It's what God has asked us to do, is to forgive one another as He has forgiven us. And to be honest, it's quite better than the alternative going to hell.

I'm still working in government at the moment. I'm actually in charge of the prosthetics department for the Western Cape Department of Health, which is a real blessing from God. I really believe He provided me with the promotion I got. Cindy, my wife, I actually met studying in 2012, and we got married in 2014.

So to be honest, if I hadn't lost my leg, I wouldn't have met my wife. And I wouldn't be in the life I'm living at the moment. Which is, I think, is a really good life. Even though I went through losing my leg, I think I still came out better in the end.

Choosing to Forgive and Pray for Freedom

And what I've learned is that God's love covers a multitude of things. Whether it's unforgiveness, whether it's the trauma you've been through or hurt that you're going through, God's love really covers everything. And He's always going to be there for us. So coming back from this testimony on forgiving people and having received the teaching on why we should forgive someone.

Maybe there's someone in your life, maybe the Holy Spirit is pressing onto your heart someone that has hurt you. Or words that have been spoken over you, or deeds that have been done to you, and you feel like you would like to forgive a person.

We're going to be handing it over to your facilitators, and let's pray and forgive people so that we can be free and walk into the fullness of what Christ has purchased for us with His blood.