I was the perfect middle child, Head Girl at High School and a good student with straight A’s. Being arrested for fraud, at the age of 50, was never something I imagined possible. But working as a bookkeeper, I started making unauthorized payments and transfers to my personal bank account from the company I worked for – I was stealing from them.
When this was discovered, they laid criminal charges against me for fraud. Subsequently, I had to report to the police station to see the detective in charge of my case. He escorted me into an office where they took pictures and fingerprints, “Look into the camera … turn to the left … turn to the right …” and then placed me in a holding cell. I was later released on my own responsibility.
At that time, I just could not tell my children what I did, as I was so ashamed that, at the age of 50, I had committed such a terrible crime. Living with the shame and pressure felt impossible, too. Trying to get rid of my shame and guilt, I started self-medicating with alcohol.
On Saturday, 9 June 2012, I decided that the best thing I could do was to commit suicide. My children were away for the weekend, and I was alone.
I had a script for sleeping tablets, and I faxed this script to five different pharmacies, collected five packets of pills, and then bought a bottle of vodka. By doing this, I collected 150 pills and imagined that that would probably be enough to get the job done.
I sat on my bed, in my winter pj’s, and started popping out the pills one by one. All I wanted was for the emotional pain, the self-hatred, and the shame to stop. My only desire was to make it all disappear.
The light in my room started going dim, and a cloud of fog darkened my room, almost like being in a very thick, hazy mist. I heard a deep, audible voice in my right ear:
“You can do this, but there will be no mercy for you. Choose life.”
My bedroom light was on, and I was sitting on my bed facing the wall, with the wardrobe on my right-hand side. The light in my room started going dim, and a cloud of fog darkened my room, almost like being in a very thick, hazy mist.
I heard a deep, audible voice in my right ear:
“You can do this, but there will be no mercy for you. Choose life.”
When I heard the words “no mercy”, I saw a picture on the wall in front of me of hell or death. I saw two hills and a deep valley. In the valley, there were thousands of naked bodies all piled on top of each other. I could smell the musty dampness of a swamp. Everything there was grey and lifeless.
When I heard “choose life”, God showed me a picture of Jesus. He was walking down a cobblestone street in a town that looked like it was somewhere in Israel, perhaps Jerusalem or Bethlehem, like the pictures in a children’s Bible.
I saw His silhouette from His right side, wearing a cream robe and leather sandals, with long brown hair. A little girl sat on Jesus’ right shoulder, with her left hand around His neck, holding His right with hers. She was about five years old and wore a white pleated skirt and a pink shirt.
When the picture on the wall disappeared, the mist also disappeared, and my bedroom light was still burning. My hair was sopping wet, with perspiration streaming down my face, neck, and back. My heart was racing, and my body shook like a leaf, my teeth chattering. I was still holding the tablet container in my hand.
I was completely freaked out, but I knew that I had had a vision from God.
That Monday morning, I went to an internet cafe and googled ‘choose life Bible verse’, which led me to Deuteronomy 30:19. “This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live…”
This confirmed to me that God had truly spoken to me. I contacted my community leader, who contacted Russell Fraser, the lead elder in Joshua Generation’s Durbanville congregation at that time. Russell and his wife Jenny arranged a meeting with my children for me to tell them what I did.
…over the next five years, I stayed in many JoshGen family homes, being taken care of by my congregation.
The court case carried on for a year, and over the next five years, I stayed in many JoshGen family homes, being cared for by my congregation.
Because God spared my life, I could be present at both my son’s and daughter’s weddings and am now a grandmother of four precious grandchildren. God even gave me a second chance at love, and I have been married since October 2018. Since then, I have paid back every cent of the money I stole. Even though I still have a criminal record, God has set me free. Praise God, my Heavenly Father!
