05 Accountability

Welcome to This Is Church, and tonight the key subject is accountability. We've got to realize that when we are saved, we're a long way from perfect. The grace of Jesus has covered us, but there's this process that God wants to bring us through, so that we can grow up to be like Him.

There's a lot of growing up to do. The Bible says that we're going to be growing, until we eventually see Him. And then finally we will be like Him. But sometimes as we are trying to grow, there are areas in us that can get stuck.

It might be because of things that have happened in our past or hurt or pain, and we can end up in a cycle or pattern that we can't seem to break free from. And the Bible wants us free. Jesus died to set us free.

The Power of Speaking Truth in Love

And so part of the journey is going to be allowing the Lord to dig into us through people and helping us unlock ourselves from areas that have held us in bondage. In Ephesians 4:15, it gives us a key to how we will grow up.

Let's read, "instead speaking the truth in love. We will in all things grow up into Him who is the head, that is Christ." Speaking the truth in love is one of the big keys that God's going to use in our lives within the local church to grow us up in all things.

That means every single area of our lives—our finances, our relationships, our emotions—every area of our life is to grow up into the fullness of Jesus. And so that is a serious journey and one that's going to take people helping us, speaking to us in love.

Finding Freedom Through Confrontation

I'll never forget the first time I encountered this. I'd been a Christian for many years, done Bible school, and I ended up joining a church that was actually a Bible church. I didn't know they existed until I joined them. It was really amazing until...

Emsie and I were newly married. We've been married now for thirty years now, but, I remember that time we were struggling in our marriages. During our first few months we were fighting all the time and it was ugly. And no matter how much we tried to fix it, it just got worse and worse and worse.

I had heard them speak about accountability and I think I was kind of hoping that she would just kind of submit. I thought she was the problem and she thought I was the problem, which is normally how marriage problems work. And so we decided we were going to go see one of our leaders.

And I honestly remember thinking—we're going to sit down with this guy, and I was going to ask him to speak into our lives, and he's going to sort her out. So we sat down with this man and his wife, and told them we're struggling in our marriage and we don't know how to fix this, so, please speak into our lives.

And I sat back, waiting for them to tell Emsie she's the problem. I thought she was rebellious and didn't want to submit. The guy looked at me and said, "Are you sure you want me to shoot straight?" I said, "Shoot as straight as you can shoot."

His next words hit me. He literally said this, "Andrew, you are a bad husband." I thought, "No! You've just given her six months of ammunition in one sentence." I didn't think he understood and I tried to explain. "You don't know what she's like, she's all spiritual with you, but when she's with me, she's a witch."

And he said, "Andrew, shut up. Shut up. You are a bad husband." And I was just struggling with what he said. I really was struggling. I thought he had no idea what he was speaking about. She's got this good face with you, but she's terrible when you're not around.

It was the first time I experienced accountability. And I am so grateful to God today, that I had leaders that sat me down and started those conversations. As a husband I was self-centered and there were areas in me that had to grow up.

I wasn't yet formed in the image of the Lord. And God used my wife to reveal the cracks in me. I remember saying to her once, "You bring out the worst in me," because I felt like when I wasn't with her, I was perfect, and then when I was with her, I felt like a demon got hold of me.

It was terrible. Then I realized, the one time saying that, "you bring out the worst in me," that she brought out the worst that was in me. I can hide it from me. I can hide it from myself because we do that. But it took the intensity of my relationship with her to reveal what was inside of me.

I did not know how to fix it. I didn't even know where the problem lay. I deflected, I blamed her, where actually God was trying to wake me up. And leaders had to sit me down and start to speak very straight. And it was very hard to process, very hard to hear, hard to digest.

But if that conversation didn't happen, I would not be able to do what I'm doing today. I don't think I'd be married today. I thank God for the subject that I'm talking about now. And I pray that as you listen to this, if you listen to this online as well, that you will just understand the wonders of how this thing works as we speak the truth in love.

Walking in the Light vs. Hiding Behind Closed Doors

One of the things about the church is, we have got a terrible way of hiding our bad areas. Most of us, when we go out to go and see a date or someone, we dress up. You put your best side forward. Taking selfies—it's always, which is my good side?

And that's what we are like as people. We want to put our best foot forward. We also do that in the church. People are amazing at coming to church and they look so perfect, but often it's behind the closed doors that we learn what the people are really like.

Jesus is as concerned about what we are like behind closed doors as He is when we are in the public eye. One of the things we have to learn is God's way. The Bible says God is light. In Him, there's no darkness at all.

And in 1 John 1:7, we're told that if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, some amazing things happen. We have fellowship with one another. And the blood of Jesus, His Son, purifies us from all sin. Something happens when we bring our lives into the light.

It's kind of counterintuitive, because you think—if people knew what I'm really like, then they're going to reject me—but the Bible says in the church, as we bring our brokenness into the light before others, we actually find true fellowship. we actually really find one another.

And not only do we find one another, but the blood of Jesus starts to do a purifying work in us. And we start to actually grow up to be like Him. So, one of the key things for us to learn—goes so against how we are taught—is to learn to live in the light.

We should honestly be speaking about who we are inside. We should be bringing our bad sides out, and allowing leaders and others to help us grow up into Jesus. It's really hard to do life. Do you agree? I mean, having kids or getting married.

You don't know what you're getting into until you're in it. I remember after getting married and I saw a bumper sticker on a car: "Love is blind. Marriage is the eye opener." And I thought, "Why didn't someone tell me that before I got married?"

But marriage has become a tool that God's used, which has been an amazing thing, and I'm so grateful to God for it. But marriage was very difficult. It was hard to learn to love. It was hard to have a person that I thought was like me before I married her, and then realize she's nothing like me.

That's exactly how God wants it to be. And just when you think you're doing well, then you have kids. And there's a whole new level of pain, and a whole new level of uncertainty. You know, the kid starts manifesting and you think Saddam Hussein can't be as bad as this child.

Now I've got to try and disciple it. I don't even know what to do. So we do need help to kind of find our way through this. Sometimes it feels like you are getting stuck in life. And this is normally a key time for us to get help.

Getting Stuck and Seeking Perspective

To illustrate. I've got a little sister, she's married to one of our elders. She leads one of our congregations. She's three years younger than me. I was always the big brother hero to her. I was always naturally very athletic. And she was also athletic, but I was a guy and she was a girl, so it didn't ever feel like it was a competition for me, until she got into rock climbing.

She ended up becoming one of the top climbers in the country. And I thought rock climbing was a waste of time. I love the ocean and water. So the one day we were on the beach and there were no waves. So, she started climbing the rocks like a lizard.

And I figured, she's my little sister, how hard can it be? I started trying to climb after her. And I remember getting high enough to feel scared. I thought, if I let go of this rock face right now, I might actually hurt myself.

She was moving so fast and I was trying to get across, and then I got stuck. And I was properly stuck. I couldn't go down, because I was committed, you know. And I'm now lying in the middle of nowhere, and I'm thinking, I can't go back, I can't go forward, I'm stuck.

She asked me, "Are you alright?" And I thought, "It's not cool to say no, but I'm stuck," and it's a long drop. So I said, "No, I'm stuck." She then climbed around me, I don't know how she did it, to go down to the bottom.

Then she asked, "Can you see the rock ledge just above you?" I answered, "No, I can't see anything. I'm stuck." She said, "Put your hand five centimeters further up." And she basically remote-controlled me. My hand found this rock ledge, and then she told me to do things which I thought were not going to work.

I thought, "I'm going to fall if I do that." She just said, "Trust Me." And I realized in life we're going ahead and we're trying our best, and then we just get stuck. And no matter what you do, you think, I am in trouble.

I don't know how to get out of this place. And that's where we need someone who's maybe got perspective to just step back and say, "Hey, if you do this, if you just bend that, if you change this, you'll find your way through this."

And I got off that rock face and I never climbed again. In life, you're going to get stuck. And it's in those times that we need to get help. You know, most marriages don't start to end in divorce, but in America right now, it's around 50% of first marriages end in divorce.

Relationships break down. The problem now is people don't even get married. So your divorce stats are gonna look better and better. Interesting. First marriage, 50% chance of survival. Second marriage, around 60% chance of breaking down. Third marriage, 73% of third marriages end in divorce.

You get stuck and you think you can get rid of the person, but the problem is you. Something in you. And so you jump to the next person and you face the same demons. And you go around that mountain again. God doesn't want us going around and around the same mountain.

He wants us to mature into Christ's likeness. And God will often use those stuck moments and even people—because He wants us to grow up, so He's revealing the cracks in us. And it's in those times that we need to humble ourselves, live in the light and get the help that we need.

Presenting the Church Perfect in Christ

Paul writes about presenting the church perfect in Colossians 1:28. He says, "We proclaim Jesus, admonishing and teaching everyone with all wisdom, so that we may present everyone perfect in Christ." Part of the leader's job is to present us perfect. And that means every part of our lives have to come into perfection.

There's no part of our life that Jesus does not want, even pets. The Bible actually says in the Old Testament that a godly man cares for his pets. God is interested in every single part of our lives. How we steward everything. We've got to grow up and learn maturity.

What does maturity look like? And that looks like Jesus for all of us. Some of the areas we've gotta grow up in is parenting, marriage, friendship. When friendships get stuck and break down, there's something there that doesn't look like Jesus. Where Jesus is, there's unity.

Where the kingdom is, there's life and unity. As soon as there's a breakdown, you know, there's a problem somewhere. And we all like to point to somebody else, but very often it takes both sides to create the problems. And we've got to learn how to allow the Lord to change us inside.

Work. Sometimes people change their jobs a lot, because they just can't get happy. Finances. Are you getting stuck in your finances? You can't get breakthrough. It could be something that God's using to reveal a crack in you that He's wanting to touch. Sometimes relationships with the leaders or relationships with those under you, each of those things can reveal cracks.

If you feel a bit weird when you're under leaders—that is revealing cracks in you that God needs to touch and heal. The other one is—the Bible talks about the flesh and the Spirit striving against themselves. And for each of us here, we're not yet perfect, so there's parts of us that are still the old us.

And our flesh is that part of us that has not surrendered to Jesus yet. And that can create real problems. One of the challenges in Emsie and my marriage was that I was a selfish surfer and I didn't put her interests first. I was self-centered.

One of her challenges in her flesh was self-sacrifice. Her father had been an alcoholic, and we led him to the Lord just before he died. He left her, and beat her mom, and was drunk all the time, and was this terrible father.

He left, promised to come and pick her up, and never did. So she, as a little girl, would pack her suitcase, stand on the street corner, because she believed He would come. He never, ever came. Every single male figure in her life had let her down.

I didn't know that. I just fell in love with this girl that I thought was beautiful and we wanted to get married. I didn't know deep down inside of her there was a part of brokenness that she did not trust male figures. So what she would do is as soon as she felt herself starting to feel affectionate towards a guy, she would shut down and drive him away.

And so her cycle was this—she is very beautiful, very attractive. She'd flirt with guys and get all over her, and then she would push them away. She made sure that she'd reject them before they rejected her. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, when she's broken after the breakup that she caused, she'd say, "You see, I can't trust men."

I married her not knowing what I'm getting into. And she starts pushing me away and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm not doing anything wrong in this case. It's a part of her flesh that she's got to take captive. She needs to see what she's doing.

Overcoming the Patterns of the Flesh

She needed to win that battle inside herself; if she didn't, no matter how hard I tried, that marriage would have ended in divorce. And so we need help. And sometimes within us, there's flesh. Even within the church and leadership. There can be roots in us that are actually trying to get the affirmation of people, trying to be noticed.

All of those things are the flesh and they get in the way of the King and the kingdom. Even gifts, sometimes your gift needs to be sharpened and that's a hard thing. A friend of mine was a godly, beautiful man. He was an elder with us, but he got this weird habit somewhere.

And it was so off-putting as an elder. Elders pray a lot in public. And so whenever he prayed, he would pray like this. He's with the Lord now. He's probably going to laugh at what I'm doing. I did speak to him about this.

He would pray like this: "Father God, we thank You, Father God, that You love us, Father God. And we pray, Father God, that You'd be with us in this moment, Father God." It was literally Father God, Father God, Father God... And I told him, all I'm eventually hearing is Father God, Father God, Father God.

I said, "Pierre, you have got to change the way you pray, because it's a habit that you got into, but you don't talk like that. You've got this spiritual habit and it's messing up the gift." Sometimes even the gifts we can do in an unhealthy way.

It's like a prophet that comes across like a watchman on the wall, he's just messing this whole thing up. Can we just teach you how to work on your gift properly, because the flesh corrupts and damages what's supposed to look like God. So in the Bible we learn that we will mature and inherit what God has got for us.

The Progression from Milk to Solid Food

It's a progressive thing. When you become a Christian, the journey starts and it'll carry on and carry on and go deeper and deeper. Every time you think you're doing well, the Lord shows you some other part of yourself. You might even sometimes feel, am I ever gonna get there?

In Hebrews 5:12, the writer mentions this progressive growth. He says, "By this time you ought to be teachers. You need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food." And so there is a sense that when we start the journey, God gives us what we can cope with, milk.

Often as a young Christian, He's dealing with the very obvious things—stop swearing, stop smoking, stop sleeping with the person that's not your wife or husband, your boyfriend or girlfriend. Stop that. It feels huge, but it's actually baby stuff. Then He starts getting deeper and deeper and eventually you're chewing big chunks of steak.

But the thing is this, it's a progression. You need milk. And so God's not going to ask you to deal with things that you're not ready for. It's a progressive journey, but at the same time, the writer of Hebrews tells us we can sometimes short-circuit that journey.

He says, "By now, you should have grown up. You should already be teachers. You should be chewing solid pieces of steak, but instead you've got to go right back to baby milk. You haven't matured like you should." And I wonder how often in the churches of Jesus Christ, there are people that should be teachers.

How many people, because of a brokenness in themselves, have never been able to mature? There's giftings and there's callings and there's things that the Father wants them to do, but because of some area of brokenness, they haven't been able to mature in that area, and they stay stuck on milk, and they never grow up.

God wants us to grow up, and part of our job as leaders is to help everyone in the church grow up. And to do that, it means we've got to cross some boundaries and help, because most of us get stuck somewhere in this matter.

In fact, I think it's God's plan that we get stuck. Because one of the things we've got to learn is—God is not independent, He's interdependent. We Westerners, we're very independent. I can do it my way, but actually in the Kingdom it's very "us," it's very "we."

The Root of Insecurity and the Orphan Spirit

We join together as members of Christ's body. And so we can stunt our effectiveness and we can stop actually growing up. I deal with leaders all the time and, sometimes the best leaders have what I call an orphan spirit. An orphan spirit is this—a bad dad, basically, growing up.

And a bad dad or a dad that wasn't there teaches a young boy or girl: I will learn to do this without him. I don't need him. I don't need to depend on him. I'll find a way through. And an orphan's got no safety, no protection.

So to survive, he finds a way, he makes a way. That thing forms his personality. These people emerge very fast in the marketplace. They are ahead of what everyone else is doing. At the root of this is brokenness. The root is insecurity. The root is: I don't feel secure in who I am.

I don't even know who I am. I haven't found myself properly in the Father. So I excel in whatever I do, because when I excel, I feel like I'm in charge. I feel like I've got control, and I get the affirmation and love that I feel I never got.

And then that guy gets saved, and he comes into the church, and you watch that guy excel, and he's at everything, and he's devoted, and he's praying aloud, he's so spiritual, but the root of what he's doing is corrupted. The root of what he's doing shows the need—that you just want to know who you are, and that you have a Father that loves you.

If that thing doesn't get dealt with, those guys will end up in leadership, if we're not careful. And as leaders with an orphan spirit, they don't know how to give love. They're orientated around themselves. They start to abuse roles and positions. And they do great damage to the church.

Too many leaders have got this root. If a leader needs to be in leadership, he shouldn't be a leader. A leader should be just happy to be able to just be part of the family and to serve however I serve. As soon as there's that drive, selfish ambition, you know, there's a root of flesh and we have to have these conversations and try to help people deal with those things.

The Importance of Biblical Correction and Rebuke

But the challenge is you touch the root of who the person is. These are not easy conversations to hear or to process. Leaders are given some tools. In 2 Timothy 4:2, Paul says, "Preach the word; be prepared in season and out of season; correct, rebuke and encourage—with great patience and careful instruction."

Correct? In other words, sometimes it's not just teaching, it's sometimes sitting down and saying, "Can I correct you on something?" How do you receive that? "Can I rebuke you on something? When you did that, you were so out of line. You did not reflect Jesus well there. And also encourage you. But when you did this, I saw your heart." With great patience and careful instruction. So we all need correction. And I'll ask you, when last were you corrected? When last were you rebuked?

I was corrected today. It wasn't to rebuke it, because I learn quickly. Because I'm always asking people. I had Brad Verreynne in my house with me last weekend. He's an apostolic guy who visited us for about five, six days. I asked him, "Is there anything you see in us that doesn't look like Jesus?"

He said, "No, you look great." And then today I was on the phone with him. He said, "Actually, there was something that it's too serious." And he explained to me how I sometimes came across—it was super helpful. It was great. Do you know that I sit with my family sometimes, mom, dad, and daughter, and we'd say, "Let's shoot straight to one another. One thing that we're doing well and one thing that we could do better."

And my daughter has spoken into my life, spot on. She said this, "Dad, sometimes when you're stressed, I know you're carrying a lot, but sometimes when you're stressed, you talk very short to Mom. You don't shout, you don't honor her." And I realized, that's true. And Emsie said, "It's true, babes." And I said, "Sorry." It happens when I'm stressed and I'm in my head and then Emsie says, "Honey, what about this?" I'd say, "Whatever. Just sort it out."

Identifying Our Blind Spots through Others

She's my wife. I have to honor her. My daughter's got to see me honoring my wife. So I can't do that. I lead Four12 and I've got a 16-year-old girl tuning me. In 1 Thessalonians 3:10, Paul writes to the church and he says, "I long to come to you to provide what's lacking in your faith."

You know, I don't know what's lacking in my faith very often, because most of us think we're doing quite well. And I'll tell you some of my stories, because these are very real for me, and they're things I have had to go through.

I had a situation with some elders who had gone rogue and I had to process them and I thought I processed them really well. I thought I processed them the way Jesus would, and my heart was certainly right. But they said they felt hurt and abused by me.

Now, I know hurt people are going to say that, but I thought maybe there's some truth in that. So I asked for an audit. We flew guys in from overseas. They spent, I think it was three weeks interviewing the guys that felt hurt.

And it was a long three weeks. After the three weeks, they sat me down and they said this, "Overall, where they ended up was because of them, not you. But there was one area that you messed up in." I was so sure that I hadn't messed up.

They said, "You didn't show empathy." I didn't show empathy? I did. I felt like I did. And you know, I realized this was, this was helping me in an area of my own faith that was lacking. I am desperate to do things right for Jesus.

So every day I'm before Him and I'm wrestling myself and I'm looking to try and do it better and better all the time because I know I'm not yet perfect. So I ask people, "Hey, is there something I can do better? Just tell me straight, you don't have to cushion it and do the lovey-dovey thing.

Just say, 'Brother, you shouldn't have done it like that.' Okay, thank you. That's helpful. I'll change." And I will change. So I think when I'm with people the best thing I can do for them is to treat them like I want to be treated.

So I'll sit you down and I'll say, "Hey, you know when you did that? It wasn't helpful. Maybe you should do it like this." Then I'm feeling like I'm giving you gold. Because that's gold for me, but some people aren't like me. Some people need to just have their hand held and just look in their eyes and say, "I love you. I'm sorry that you're going through this."

If you do that to me, I'm going to think you're a bit weird. I don't need you to hold my hand. I just need you to help me to do this better. But some people do need me to hold their hand. They need me to just sit there and say, "I am sorry that you're going through this." And I didn't do that. I didn't think I needed to do that. There was an area in me that was blind.

And when they told me that, it was really hard for me to process, because I thought I'm full of empathy. I mean, I feel for the church. I love the church. How do they not see it? And then I realized it's because I don't do that. I'm too fast with giving advice. I'm not slow enough to just sit down and say, "Okay, let me just be quiet and hold their hand and just say, I am sorry that you're in pain right now."

And maybe just sit there for half an hour. And I realized an area in me that was lacking as a leader. And if I cause people to stumble, better than a millstone gets tied around my neck and I get cast in the deepest part of the sea.

I need to be all things to all men. So I want to grow up to be like Jesus in every way. I need help still to do that. And again, I would say, I lead Four12. I've got a fruitful ministry. I am still learning how to be like Him.

Recognizing Our Blind Spots

And I need people to help me because I don't see what I don't see. I call them blind spots. You know what a blind spot is? In the old days they used to have these horses and carts and then cars came along. You still sometimes see a horse with a wagon because we live in Africa.

You'll see the horses have got blinkers on because when they're running down the road and a truck comes past, if it sees it in the corner of its eye, the horse can get a fright and things can go very wrong. So they put the blinkers on so the horse can only see in front of himself.

It creates blind spots. Life does that to us. We're doing life and we've got these blind spots. You could be standing right here and I can't even see you. And so I hope you realize, that like me, you too have got blind spots.

You've got areas in your life you can't see. Other people standing close to you can see them clearly. We need people to help us see our own blind spots. I often joke with people because whenever I try and help people see a blind spot, the response is almost always like this.

"You keep telling me I've got blind spots, but how come I can't see them?" And that's almost verbatim, thrown at me. It's very important to find leaders who love you enough to help you see your blind spots. None of us wants to do wrong.

We just do because we don't know better sometimes. This journey has been so helpful to me that I've learned where my blind spots are now. Others have helped me to see what I can't see. I would submit to you as you do this, get people around you that'll have the courage to speak to you about your blind spots.

What am I not doing well? Help me. Help me, because I want Jesus in my marriage, I want Jesus in my kids, I want Jesus in everybody. What am I not doing well? In John 8:32, Jesus said this, "You'll know the truth, and the truth will set you free."

Embracing Truth That Hurts Before It Heals

It's the truth that comes, and when the truth comes in your life, that's where freedom comes. I think He should have said this—this is a bit of a joke, but it's not—it should say, "Then you'll know the truth. The truth will hurt you, and then it'll set you free."

I've found whenever the truth comes to me that I haven't seen, it's very difficult to process and digest. It often feels like it does pain to me, it hurts me. But if I let it hurt me, it does come and it actually sets me free.

Now, I'm not trying to add to the Scriptures, but you'll find when the truth comes, it is hard to hear. It's hard to hear that you're not perfect. I know I'm not perfect, but deep down inside you kind of think you are. Then someone says, you're actually not perfect.

And you think, how dare they? And you look at all the horrible things they do. Just change your posture. Proverbs 27:6 says this: "Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." In other words, an enemy kisses you and says, it's all right.

The Apostle Paul's Example of Submission

He doesn't care, but a friend will love you enough to actually have those hot conversations with you. And we need to find friends who have those conversations with us. Paul the apostle is for me, one of my great heroes. And when I get to heaven I want to meet that guy.

So much of the New Testament was because of him. And we got it because of him today. And he said this, "I didn't learn the gospel from any man." He is speaking about how he met Jesus on a road to Damascus, got thrown off my donkey and I was struck blind and healed.

And then I was taken into the desert of Arabia, and he speaks about being trained personally by Jesus. I don't know what that is, but he talks about going to the third heaven at one place. He's had serious encounters with Jesus and he gives the message of the gospel.

He says, God has given me the mystery of the gospel, been hidden for ages, all the prophets of old long to see. Peter, the other apostles didn't see it, God gave it to me. So this is a man of incredible stature and incredible wisdom and incredible grace.

And then this man who gets Jesus physically appearing to him to teach him, says this in Galatians 2:1-2, "Fourteen years later, I went up again to Jerusalem, this time with Barnabas and I took Titus along also. I went in response to a revelation.

And so, the revelation from Jesus. And set before them, the apostles, the gospel that I preach among the Gentiles. But I did it privately to those who seemed to be leaders, for fear that I was running, or had run my race in vain."

He gets this revelation directly from Jesus. And he goes to Jerusalem to those who seemed to be leaders, and he says, I want to submit what I think—I've seen from Jesus Himself—to you. To make sure that I'm not running my race in vain—I would submit to you.

If Paul the Apostle, getting it direct from Jesus, is scared that he might be deceiving himself and goes to make sure from other leaders that he is actually on course, I think there's a lesson for all of us. And I think our posture needs to be, if I think I know something, I need to just think it.

Inviting Leadership Into Your Life

Am I seeing this right? So we need to ask for it. It's hard to just speak into someone's life. You need to actually look for it and ask wisely. Go to leaders. Don't just go to your buddy. Friends, they don't have the wisdom that they need sometimes.

I wanna sit down with those, especially leaders, and say, "You've seen my life. What are you seeing in me? What can I change?" Ask for it. If you don't ask for it, you won't get it. It's very hard for me to just sit down with you and say, how could I speak into your life if you haven't given me that opportunity.

If you're sinning, I might have to do that, but it's a difficult conversation versus something that you draw out of leaders. Try and draw it out of your leaders. For example, if you are going to outreach with them, ask them at the end of that outreach.

Anything you saw? Most of us just want to praise or hear the praise. How amazing it was when I prayed and when I prophesied. That's great, but those are not the things that are going to stop you growing up in Christ. It's the other areas that you don't want to hear about that are the ones that we need to hear about.

And so ask and then listen, don't defend. I've seen leaders will say, "Speak into my life," and then you do, and then they're all defensive. Just listen, if someone—especially, and depending on who that person is, if this person's a leader in the house—I'm going to posture myself right: I think he's right and I'm wrong, even if I can't see it.

Ask for it. In Proverbs 15:22, "Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed." Get advice, get perspective. Don't defend. The danger is this: when they speak to you, it's all nice, and then you go away and your brain starts doing gymnastics against them.

That's what I find my own brain does. Often in the moment everything seems fine and I realize I need to change that. Later, I wake up in the middle of the night, and my brain's trying to defend me. It's not conscious, it's just how we all are.

So your brain's starting to try and turn this whole thing around. Now you're in trouble. Don't go there. Just rather posture yourself in humility, and learn what you need to learn. Don't defend yourself. Jesus will defend you. If you try and defend yourself, He's not going to fight for you.

Living in the Light Instead of Hiding

But if you humble yourself before the Lord, in due time He will lift you up. Most of us want to get lifted up. I remember doing that. We used to try to hide our badness. I felt called to ministry years ago and I knew that I was battling in my marriage.

I had already had that conversation that I mentioned earlier—the "You're a bad husband" conversation—and I didn't get perfect instantly, but I wanted people to think that I did. So we were doing better and better, but when people asked I would say, "I was MUCH better."

I remember the one day, it was so funny, I was driving to church. Sunday was the day we used to fight. I don't know why. I honestly can't remember when last I fought with Emsie. But in those days... We were driving to church and we were fighting.

The more I tried to stop the fight—because we're on our way to church—the worse it got. Now I'm sitting in the car park and we're still in the thick of it and I'm thinking, "I don't want to go in there," because I know the Bible says, "If you've got something against a brother, don't worship, go and sort it out and then come and worship."

So I'm trying to stop this fight, but it's just getting worse and worse, and then somebody sees us in the car. This is about twenty-something years ago. Someone sees us in the car. They say, "How are you? Are you guys all right?"

I get out the car, and we're all smiling. "Yes, yes, we're good." And I remember as we were walking into the church, they're talking to us, and we were talking to them, acting like there was nothing wrong. Meantime, we've just been ripping each other's throats out.

And we walk into the church, and I actually remember looking at Em, and she looked at me, and we gave each other the evil eye. It was so stupid, but I was so scared that if they saw what we were really like, I would never walk in what God's got for me.

I was trying to save my life. Jesus said, "If you try and save your life, you'll lose it. But if you lose your life for My sake, you'll find it." I'll never forget standing in that church. Worship starts and I'm thinking, "Lord, I'm really trying to worship You, but the scriptures are ringing in my head."

I am thinking, "Lord, I can't sort it out. I tried the whole way to church." My eyes are closed. I'm desperately trying to worship... Then I feel a tap, tap, tap on my chest. One of the elder's wives was standing in front of me—a little Greek woman—she points her finger up at me like this.

"Who do you think you're fooling? Do you think we can't see your marriage is falling apart? Go get your wife right now. We're going home to sort this out." I said, "Yes ma'am." She and her husband took us home. She chewed my ear off.

You know what? We learned to live in the light. We learned. It was hard. But I had leaders that found us. And again, without those leaders, I wouldn't be here today. Get help. Leaders can't control you. We are not here to control. You've got to work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

We can't Lord it over your faith. We can't make you do things, but if you pursuing them and and seeking them, we can help you. We can't force you. So again, this is something that you've gotta give. We can't take. Don't be scared about people knowing about it because again, as you live in the light, we have true fellowship.

You know, I read my Bible and I read about Simon Peter, and he made a lot of mistakes. I read about Abraham, the father of all who believe, that he made a lot of mistakes. And I see that God loved him and called him and used him.

I've just shared with you a whole lot of my mistakes, some of them are quite recent. Does that change the way you see me? If it does, you've got a problem, not me. I know who I am in Christ, I know what He's called me to do.

The Power of Vulnerability and True Fellowship

As we live in the light, as He is in the light—doing this, is you'll actually feel like you know me more—you'll find there's a deeper sense of fellowship, even in this moment. Instead of drawing you away from me, it actually draws you close to me.

And this is the way of the Lord. I'm using this as an illustration. This is the way of the Lord. As we live in the light, as He's in the light, we have true fellowship. So don't be worried about what people see. Rather, let them see and you share, yes it's true, I am like that, but thank God for Jesus, I'm changing.

Realize that leaders sometimes will need to talk to other leaders about you, because we are responsible for you. But it's not to gossip, "have you heard the latest about Malcolm?" This is like a mom and dad talking about their children, saying, "I'm a little worried about this one."

You're trying to get wisdom and help. But ultimately, all of it is to present you perfect. C. S. Lewis said this, "Pain is God's megaphone to wake up a deaf world." When there's pain in your life, any area, relationally, financially, children, dogs, whatever, there's things you can learn about dogs and cats too.

Show me your dog and I'll show you your kids. What you do with the one, you're going to do with the other. The thing is, it's you, it's you, it's you. You're going to, you love that dog, you're going to treat it a certain way, let it cross boundaries...

Living in the Light: Why Transparency Matters

I'll probably get into trouble for saying that, but it's true. Here's the thing, in Luke 12:2-3 says, "There's nothing concealed on that last day. There's nothing concealed that will not be disclosed. Or hidden that will not be made known. What you've said in the dark will be heard in the daylight. And what you've whispered in the ear of the inner rooms will be proclaimed from the roofs."

We're all going to know anyway. On that last day. When your life is up there and you're standing in your wedding dress, we're going to see it all.

I just figure when I'm standing up there and you see parts about me, I don't want anybody to say, "Oh, we did not know that." I want to live in the light, now. I'm here because of the grace of Jesus. I'm here because of what He's done and what He's doing in me.

We bring these things out because everything's going to be known anyway. There's nothing hidden. So again, if you're stuck in porn or whatever it is, bring it to your leaders and get help. You are gonna stay stuck and it's gonna damage your relationship.

When Accountability Shakes Your Peace

It'll destroy you. Get out of that thing. Bad habits in finances. Get help. In closing. Be careful of this. People will say, "let the peace of God reign in your heart." When we say that, this often happens—when people speak into my life, I feel like I had peace before the conversation.

I walk into the conversation and I think I'm doing quite well—while I'm in the conversation they say, "you causing damage in this area or you're not representing Jesus as well in that area"—that doesn't feel good—and now your peace disappears in that moment.

I know the Bible speaks about the throne of grace that is open. I can come in freely in my time of need and find grace in my time of need, but I'm not in a happy place right now. You've got to realize this—this is you wobbling because you've realized that your foundations aren't right.

The Bible says everything that can be shaken must be shaken. Sometimes God will shake you, and when you're shaking, don't say, "I've lost my peace. I don't think that conversation was Jesus." It's just your foundations have been shaken. Run to the Prince of Peace and get help.

Practical Steps: How to Speak Truth in Love

Speak in love. And if you're going to ever be the one doing the talking, speak in love. Don't speak out of frustration. The motivation is selfish then. The motive must always be: does this person need it? Is this helpful to them? Not to me.

If it's helpful to me in any way, I'm going to struggle to speak about that thing, because I can't do this selfishly. Bring one thing. One of the worst mistakes people do is to ask, "Can I speak into your life?" and then they pull out a list.

It's hard enough processing one thing. Seriously. By the third point, I'm starting to feel like I want to go bang my head against the wall. Bring one thing. And always do a love sandwich. If you're going to speak to someone, wrap the rebuke in love.

You can say—Bread: "Brother, you're awesome." The meat: "When you do that thing, it doesn't look like Jesus and maybe you could change that." Bread: "But, I love you and you're awesome." Because people do feel insecure when we process these things, and we've got to try and give them every opportunity to come through.

The Essential Role of Accountability in Your Destiny

I stand before you because of this subject. I would say this: without this, the chances of you walking in the fullness of your destiny are not great. If Paul the apostle needed this; Peter needed to get rebuked on more than one occasion, and he was Peter the apostle.

Do you really think you're gonna get through this unscathed? God has designed it that we need one another. That we would be one, as He and the Father are one. And so I would ask you to actively pursue these things. Meet with your leaders, go on outreach with them, spend time with them, hang out with them.

Then say, "Hey, is there anything in me that you see?" And when they speak, realize it's gonna crush you. Realize it. But work through the crushing, and ask the Lord to help you through it, so that you can come to the other side looking more like Him.

Can I pray with you guys? Lord, thank you that You are working in us. That we are growing from one degree of glory to the next. Thank you that there's not one of us here that's perfect yet, God. We're only seen as perfect because of Jesus and the blood that He shed for us.

But thank you that You didn't leave us as orphans, that You are working with us by Your Holy Spirit, and that You have put leaders and people and friends around us to help us to grow up, to be like Jesus, to be holy like You are holy.

My prayer for everyone watching and for everyone here tonight is that, Lord, You would, by Your Spirit, make this a value in us, part of our culture, that this would be something that we have in us, so that we can be made ready for that day.

And on that day that we'd be beautiful as we stand before You, God. Reflecting You. Perfectly, in every single way. Father, I pray that in Jesus' name. Amen.