09 Marriage

So we are on our last session of This is Church. We are going to be looking at divorce and remarriage, which is a very sensitive and difficult subject. It has such a big impact on people's lives. In some ways this idealized Hollywood love is what we think marriage is, and when it breaks down it is very difficult.

We will look at what it means for the believer whose marriage is broken down or has gone through a divorce. This will not be an easy listening session. You've got to really study the details of the Scripture, because it affects many people's lives.

In some ways, it's like a heart surgery. You can't do broad strokes. We have to look at the detail. Hopefully you'll enjoy listening to it as we wrestle with the subject—but certainly if you are divorced and remarried, I do want to say: If you've got questions, please speak to your elders on the ground.

I don't have the capacity, time wise, to cover everything. We're going to be covering some of the broad things, but if there are questions, work it through with your elders. And remember this: the elders will do their very best to try and help you find God's very best for you.

Remember, God's best for you is not always what you think is best for you. His ways are higher than yours, but you are called to share in His nature. You are called to be like Him. God will use every circumstance that we find ourselves in, for the good of those who love Him, who are called according to His purposes.

So, no matter where you find yourself, even if your world is a total mess—God is able to turn a mess into a thing that brings Him glory. The danger, obviously, is because of a past mess, that you keep making a mess. The challenge is to wrestle with the Scriptures and with God and to find grace and strength to do the things that He wants us to do.

One of the challenges is that we want to go as wide as we possibly can. Obviously, I am a pastor and I do realize that for people, this is huge. So I'm going to, and the elders with me, as best as we can, will try and stretch this as wide as we possibly can.

But we can't go beyond the bounds of Scripture. I'll share with you where it is ambiguous and there we will give a freedom within the gray areas of Scripture. But where it's black and white and clear, we have to stay true to the text, even if it's extremely difficult.

I want to remind us all that Jesus calls us to die with Him on a cross. To lose our lives, to seek His kingdom first. Christianity is self-denial and living for the glory of God. For all of us, in some shape, size or form, it's gonna happen.

I also wanna say, I'm gonna be trying to go as wide as I can with the Bible, without sinning. But at the same time, realize that for some of us, while the Bible might give us a wide road to a degree, God might say to the individual: I want you to walk on a narrow road.

The Picture of Hosea and God’s Unfailing Love

There was a prophet in the Old Testament called Hosea. God told him to marry a prostitute. Which is not the kind of thing that a prophet wants to get told. It's a very unique scenario, as we would never be told to do that in the New Testament, because we're not to be yoked together with unbelievers.

But God was using him as a picture of what it was like for God dealing with His own people. So Hosea marries a prostitute. Obviously, because of her brokenness and sin, she keeps messing up. She keeps sleeping with other men and even goes back to prostitution at one point.

Technically, according to the law of Moses, he could have had her stoned. She could have been killed and he could have been free to remarry. Even in Jesus he might have been able to divorce her because of what she was doing. And we'll look at that later.

But whenever he came to God, God said to him, you go, you find her. At one point he had to buy her back because she'd sold herself back into slavery as a prostitute. And you love her because she's a picture. Your love for her will be a picture to My people of how I've loved them.

Because they've done to Me exactly what she's doing to you. For some of us, we might find even though the Bible says, you can, God might say to the individual, no, you can't. We need to be Spirit-led. We cannot go beyond the Bible, but God can take us narrower than He does in the Bible.

And that's something you've got to work through. You can never go beyond the Bible. Don't go beyond what is written in the Bible. But the Lord might lead you in a narrower way. And He'll give you strength if that's where you are. Divorce is very painful.

The Pain and Weight of Divorce

It's a terrible thing to go through. I heard one divorced lady tell me, it was worse than death. Because death, it's done and it's over and, you know, he loved me. But divorce is this broken promise. And there's kids and there's complications and visitations.

And the ugliness of court cases and fighting. It just is a really difficult thing. So I just want to say up front, if you are or have been through some of these things, please understand that God does see the difficulty. God does see the pain.

Marriage as a Divine Covenant

He's not a God who's unreasonable, but He is holy. And so He calls you to be holy like Him and wherever you are, to find your way towards His way. So, to begin, marriage is like this very unique thing. There really is nothing else like it in God's created order.

He ordains it, and in some ways it's a reflection of His own relationship to His people. In Malachi 2:14-16, God is speaking to His people. Israel at this point, is really not doing well. They are sinning in so many ways. One of the ways that they are really messing up, as God's people, is divorce and remarriage.

They're divorcing very easily, they're not loving their spouses like they should. And so God comes and He is speaking through this prophet. He says, you ask Me why I have an issue with you? It is because the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth.

Because you've broken faith with her. Though she's your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant... He calls marriage a covenant and that's something I want you to remember. Has not the Lord made them one? When you get married, there's some mystical union and you become one.

Again, it is a picture of God. Earlier, in one of the other sessions we looked at headship. Now in a marriage, again you see, it reflects something of the glory of God. You become one in flesh and spirit. Why are you one? Because He is seeking godly offspring.

So in other words, as you begin to reflect Him well, as a husband and a wife, your children should probably grow up as godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit. And do not break faith with the wife of your youth. You fell in love with her.

As you get older, things don't change. You have to keep loving her and finding love. The kind of love that God will give you. I often joke with my wife as we're getting older. Our eyes are going, we're at that age. She's so blind that without her glasses she wouldn't know if I'm Nicky Carstens or Andrew Selley.

I would say to her, Babes, it's the mercy of God that I still look good-looking to you at this age. Because of all the wrinkles. God is gracious. Then God goes on and He says, I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel.

And I hate the man covering himself with violence as well as with his garments, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith. I hate divorce. God hates divorce. Because it breaks down His image and His likeness within the marriage.

It breaks down individuals. The issue at the end of the day comes down to unfaithfulness. That one person has been unfaithful to the other or both have been unfaithful. They haven't loved, they haven't committed. They haven't been faithful to the promise and the covenant that they made with one another.

Distinction Between Contract and Covenant

And a covenant is something that's very binding. It's not a contract. A contract you can sometimes break and find clauses. A covenant is a binding thing. In fact, technically speaking, when a husband and a wife would come together for the first time in marriage the woman's hymen should break and that would mean blood on the sheets.

In the old covenant, if it wasn't consummated with blood, the marriage would not be regarded as a true marriage, because it is a covenant. In other words, blood is shed. God made a covenant with us when we come into this new covenant. And it's a covenant because God shed His blood.

Jesus shed blood so that we could be joined to Him. And technically what it's saying is if I break my commitment to you, my blood is the price. Let me be killed. So when I say I will marry you and we come together, I'm effectively saying if I ever break this covenant, my life is forfeit.

Jesus and the Rejection of Easy Divorce

It's not a contract, it's a covenant. It's not something that we break, it's something that we're bound to. When Jesus came, divorce was already very common. The Pharisees used to divorce. They used to teach that you could divorce your wife if she burned the toast.

You burn the toast, that's it, you're out, I'm divorcing you, and I'm marrying another woman. When Jesus came He rebuked them because they were ignoring Malachi, who'd come already. Jesus says this in Mark 10:9, "what God has joined together, let man not separate."

God joins two people together in marriage. I know you think that it all just happened. But the Bible says when you came together, God joined you. God was there. God solemnized the marriage. And as you came together in your union, you became one.

You became a reflection of Him in the glory and the holiness of your marriage. So, what God put together, do not break. Do not rip it apart. It's a holy thing. Divorce destroys His image in us. It destroys the covenant and our lives should be forfeit.

That's how strong it is. It's not a contract. Now, the danger is we are living in a culture that's very compromised and the church is very compromised. In churches around us there's divorce and remarriage; pastors do it and nothing happens. It's become normal now, but it was normal then, too.

God was saying through Malachi, I hate it, and God is unchanging. He still hates divorce, and there might be far greater consequences in God's eyes than we realize. We don't know because He's gracious. He doesn't seem to punish us now. But the Bible says in that last day, we'll give an account for everything that we do.

Only then will we truly know what He really thinks. For now, He lets the sun shine on the righteous and the unrighteous. So because the sun's shining on you doesn't mean that He considers you righteous. It just means that He's kind for now, in the hope that you'll repent before that last day happens.

Love and Obedience Within the Covenant

We've got to love biblically. The Bible tells us that if we love God, we'll obey Him in 1 John 5:2: "By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey His commandments." By this we know.

When we love God. And how do you show your love for God? You obey His commandments. In every marriage there comes a time where love burns less brightly than it did before. Every marriage will go through that. It's just the reality of a fallen world and fallen people.

You'll lose each other, you'll annoy each other. But love is a covenant. This marriage is a covenant. So, in those times we need to obey God. Every husband and every wife will, at some point, get before the Lord in prayer and say, "Lord, help me to love my spouse. Help me to forgive them for what they're doing. Help me to reflect You to them." And as you do that, He's there, with grace, to help you in your time of need. Then love comes back 'cause God helps us with love. But we have to obey God.

This means, as Christians, we've got to look at what God says and obey those things. In the world you can do whatever you want to do, but we're not in the world. We're not of the world. We're in it, we're not of it.

Marriage as a Mystery Reflecting Christ and the Church

Again, marriage being a covenant means it's a very special relationship. It does reflect Jesus and His relationship to the church or God and His relationship to His own people. And so in Ephesians 5:31-32: "For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." And then Paul tells us that this is a profound mystery. This marriage, this thing. The mystery is this. It's not the marriage so much in itself, although it is. The real mystery that I'm talking about is Christ and the church.

Marriage is supposed to be a picture of Jesus being the groom and the church being the bride. And there is a covenant they come into when they join together. And so as a married couple love one another, as they care for one another, they're actually reflecting the glory of God.

As she submits, as he leads and loves, they reflect the glory of God. When you break it, you're breaking the very image of God with the one person you said, "I will love you until death parts us." Love is something that God gives us.

To lose that love means you've actually lost this love. You've started loving yourself. We have to really deal with this. Marriage can be held together even if one person fails. And I would remind you, if we look at the picture of Christ and the church: Have we been perfect as a spouse? Has anyone here been perfect as a spouse to Him? Has anyone here never committed adultery with your eyes or with your heart, or loved the world, which He speaks about it like—you've lifted your skirts to other gods.

That's what it's like to Him. Did He break covenant with you when you did that? Even if we fail, He's faithful to His covenant to us. Therefore, if one spouse fails, the other believing Christian can reflect Christ into that marriage and bring redemption and restoration to it.

Finding Grace and Forgiveness After Divorce

So love as Christ loves. So then the challenge is: that's great, but I'm already divorced, Andrew. I'm hearing this preach and I have already been through divorce. What does that mean for me? This has happened in my life. You know, the wonderful thing about the Lord is, no matter how bad you've sinned in your past, the Bible says His mercies are new every day.

In Isaiah 55:7, it says this: "Let the wicked forsake his way and the unrighteous man his thoughts. Let him return to the Lord." In other words, you might have realized, I have sinned in this area. I'm divorced. This is a mess. Forsake that thing and return to the Lord, "that the Lord may have compassion on him and to our God. For He will abundantly pardon."

So when you come to God and you say, "Lord, forgive me, I've genuinely messed this up and it's too late. It's over now," God is faithful and just to forgive. 1 John 1:9: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." If you have been through a divorce, you can find grace in your time of need. And the Lord is faithful to forgive you if you genuinely want to turn away from your sins. As you come and you confess your sins and you forsake evil, you turn away from it, you repent. God forgives and the blood of Jesus covers a multitude of sins.

But then I would say to you this: now go sin no more. While He has forgiven you for what you've done, you turn. Realize what you have done; fix what you can fix. But what you can't fix means, from this point on, you will live within the realms of the bounds of what has happened. I can't just sin again. We'll look at what that might look like in a few moments.

Is There a Biblical Basis for Remarriage?

So the question is, is there a biblical legitimate divorce and remarriage which is not a sin? Can we divorce and remarry and not sin? I'm going as broad as I can. All right, let us look at this.

The background to divorce and remarriage as a Christian was Jewish and Roman culture. Jesus came and He said some things. Jewish culture and Roman culture allowed divorce for pretty much any reason. So, the Jews were burning toast, the Romans weren't much better. When Jesus came and He said, "Let man not divorce," He was going against the culture of the Jewish nation and massively against the culture of the Roman law.

In the first five centuries of the Christian church, it's pretty much unanimous in every single writer that I could find, except for one. All agree that remarriage following divorce for any reason is adultery. Remarriage following divorce for any reason is adultery. There's one writer that says where the one spouse has been sexually immoral, you might be free to remarry. Okay, so the first five centuries of Christianity.

As late as 1930, the Roman Catholic Church said this, I'm going to quote them: "In regard to the indissoluble character of the marriage bond, there are no sufficient grounds for divorce. A woman's barrenness is not a sufficient cause, nor is a husband's infidelity. If a separation occurs, any remarriage while a spouse lives is adultery. The marriage bond unites both parties until the death of one of them." That was in 1930, the Catholic Church. Okay, I'm just giving you the background. Those are some things you've got to wrestle with. Most churches would have held a similar line to the Catholic Church up until very recently. Seems like in the end times, everything's going wonky. One of them being the church and her doctrines.

Scripture's Instruction on Marriage Bonds and Death

What does the Bible say? What does the Bible say about these things? And so I'll start with what it says and then we'll go wider and wider and wider until I can't go any wider than that. So, just follow me through this. Start at the top. In 1 Corinthians 7:39: "A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she's free to remarry anyone she wishes. But he must belong to the Lord."

Okay, so we learned something. Makes perfect sense. You're bound as long as you both live. But if one of the spouses dies, the other one is free to remarry. So death means you're free. But the one you marry must belong to the Lord. You have to marry a believer. You can't marry an unbeliever. You can't be yoked together with unbelievers in 2 Corinthians 6:14. So you can only marry a Christian.

So that's one example. The general rule regarding outside of death and remarriage. Can you divorce for any other reason? And the general rule is, no. There might be one or two exceptions, which we will look at, but I'm going to give you the general rule.

In Luke 16:18, here you have to read the Bible a bit like a legal contract. So often you've got to read the whole contract to know what's being said. You can't take one line, because sometimes one line is explained later, and it's only when you read the whole that you will understand.

Which is why you should read the terms and conditions. Most of us don't. Jesus is not giving any qualifications, there's no exceptions, just bang. Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery. Now I want to remind you, the Bible says adulterers will not inherit the kingdom of heaven.

So this is pretty serious. Anyone who divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery. And the man who marries a divorced woman commits adultery. So that's huge. There are going to be some exceptions which we will talk about, but the general rule is, if you've been divorced, you stay single.

Navigating Separation and Abusive Relationships

You don't divorce and remarry, and you don't marry someone who's been divorced. All right, general rule, okay? Otherwise you commit adultery. Then let's look at separation, because some marriages can be very difficult. I mean, we've got to be careful because very difficult has degrees on it.

What is impossible to live with? How far does that go? Very often people make it very shallow, but we've really got to try and love as Christ loves. This is a deep commitment we make. We are allowed to separate. Remember, you are supposed to reflect Christ in the church here.

So separation isn't ideal, but the Bible does seem to give an allowance for separation. So in 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, "Now for those who are married, I have a command that comes not from me, but from the Lord. A wife must not leave her husband, but if she does leave him."

Now this is not divorce, it's leaving him. "Let her remain single or else go back to him." In other words, you're bound to him. You can leave him, but stay single or go back to him. "And the husband must not leave his wife."

This is the command of Jesus. If you're married, you can leave your husband. It's not ideal, but if He's abusive, if He's violent, if He's really damaging, and I would say, work that through very carefully with your local elders on the ground. Remember, you might be in the process of picking up your life.

But if you and the elders together are saying, this is one of those things. I've been with people who have been in our church. And I actually walked with them through separation, and said, you need to separate. Because this is an abusive marriage.

And we'll stand with you, we'll support you as elders, as a church, we'll be with you through thick and thin. Because this is not something that I think God wants you to stay in. It's actually abusive, it's destructive to you. Go there carefully.

Marriage to Unbelievers and the Question of Abandonment

You are allowed that, but then remain single or reconcile. The heart will always be to reconcile. Then the another scenario. What happens if you are a Christian who's married and your spouse turns away from God and goes totally crazy? Or you are married and get saved, but your spouse doesn't.

And now the marriage becomes very difficult because you are yoked together in a very difficult way. You've got different values. And so it's, it's extremely difficult. And the Bible tells us in 1 Corinthians 7:12-15. He said, don't separate. "To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord)." It's still the word of God. He's just saying, Jesus taught us those things. I'm telling you this by the Holy Spirit. "If any brother has a wife who is not a believer, and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her."

So now, let's say, I'm married to an unbeliever. She's happy to stay with me. I mustn't divorce her because she's an unbeliever. I've got to remain faithful to her because remember marriage is for everyone. It's not just Christians. "If a woman has a husband who's not a believer and he's willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through the wife and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through a believing husband." In other words, you bring a holiness into the marriage. One holy person makes the marriage holy. Which is so cool with our relationship to God, isn't it?

One holy person makes the marriage holy. Why are we holy? Because He brought the holiness into the marriage. Right. "Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy." In other words, your children actually get the benefit of a sanctified line.

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances. God has called for us to live in peace." What does that mean? Bound, I'm not bound. Now you've got a Christian who's married, the unbelieving spouse decides, I don't want to stay married to you anymore.

"You are crazy, you are a Christian, I'm out." And they leave. Then Paul says, you are not bound. Now the question is, and this is one of those great questions where we go, what does it mean—not bound? Does that mean I'm free to remarry?

There are two possible likely scenarios. In both, the innocent person, the believer, must stay. You can't say, "He's an unbeliever, I'm leaving him." If the unbeliever decides to leave you, it may mean this, and I think this is what Paul's saying personally: it's not your fault.

You're not going to be held responsible for that marriage on the last day. In other words, you're not bound. God will not accuse you. I think Christians will struggle with it. Now Paul's saying, you're not bound. They left you, and so I'm trying to help you with your conscience.

But there are some people in church history—not a lot, but there are some people that we respect—who would say, free means free. In other words, you're able to remarry. It means that you are free to actually move on and marry somebody else, as long as they're a believer.

I would hold the narrower view, personally. But I wouldn't put the narrow on everyone. Because although most see it the way I do, some great minds see it wider. Why I would say I think it's a narrow one, because it doesn't mean free to remarry.

In verse 17, He tells you that you're not bound, and then He says, "Nevertheless, each one should retain the place of life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him." This is a rule I lay down in all the churches.

In other words, if you're free now, but now stay in that place. Don't remarry. So I think Paul's not saying you can remarry; he's saying you're free, but now stay single. Stay in the place that you're in. Not that you're free to remarry.

But because it is a little bit grey, because what does He mean? I think it's what He means, but it's not as clear as we would like. It's possible that you could remarry if you can find an elder who has the same conviction.

Understanding Conscience and Elder Convictions

Now, most of the elders in JoshGen—now, this is where it gets technical. And this is something that's good for you to wrestle with. Because there are places in the Bible where it is not easy to understand. Most of the elders—I think, maybe all of the elders in JoshGen—would not be able to marry you of their own conviction.

In other words, as they have studied this text for themselves, they thought, "I don't think I could remarry a person. I think free means that they're not responsible, not that they're free to remarry." But! There are elders outside of JoshGen that would marry you.

They would say, "Oh, it's no problem." So now you're saying, "But now this is confusing. What do you mean?" And maybe I'll illustrate it like this. The Bible says each has got their own conscience, and we've got to be careful that we don't sin against our own conscience.

So let me illustrate it with two stories. If you had to say to me, "Andrew, I need to get to the bank. Could you take me?" And you're gonna go to the bank, you're gonna walk in with a card, and you're gonna draw a thousand rand.

And you're gonna come back in the car and I'm gonna drive you where you need to go. I've got no problem with that. But if I see a gun in your pocket when you're driving to the bank, I might say, "Why have you got a gun?"

"Oh, don't let it concern you." Now I'm suddenly thinking I might be driving a getaway car. You might be coming out of that bank with a bucket full of money and policemen chasing you, and now I'm driving you. Which means, if you get caught, I get caught.

So I'm partly responsible with you. I don't know if I want to take you to the bank anymore. I think I'll drop you two blocks away and I won't pick you up afterwards, because I don't want to be complicit. I don't want to be a part of what you're doing.

So you've got two similar scenarios, but in one I can and one I can't. And it's a bit like that with this. As people grapple with this text, they got to find out: what does it mean? And the Bible tells us we have a conscience.

Navigating Gray Areas and Conscience

And so Paul uses this illustration of food. Because often people in the church would ask, "Am I allowed to eat all food? What happens if the food is halal?" Halal means a priest from another religion has prayed over the food. Can I eat it?

And some people might say, "I don't know if I can. Because I don't want to eat food that's been offered to an idol." But another Christian can say, "That is a false god anyway, and God made all food, and I'm free in Christ."

And Christ is bigger than that, so I'm free to eat it. The challenge is for the two Christians to agree. It is sin for the one, and it isn't sin for the other, because it's one of those grey areas where we are not too sure.

So in Romans 14:22-23, Paul's speaking, he says, "So whatever you believe about these things, keep between yourself and God." In other words, that's your faith. Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves. But the man who has doubts is condemned if he eats.

So, in other words, if you are not sure if this is right, and you eat it, you eat condemnation on yourself. But if I'm sure I can eat it, then I don't sin. Because the eating is not from faith. And everything that does not come from faith is sin.

Handling Remarriage Questions as a Church

So when I read that text, I think when He says—you're not bound, God's not going to hold you responsible for the breakdown of the marriage. But when He says stay single afterwards, I think He's telling you to stay single afterwards. So if you asked me to officiate the wedding?

I'll say, I might have this wrong, but the way I'm seeing it, you've got a gun in your pocket. And I don't know if you're going to rob a bank or not, but I don't want to take that chance because I don't want to sin against God.

I'll be sinning against my own conscience if I do it. But because I'm not sure, actually, I might be wrong. If you think you're free, if you grapple with it and your conclusion is: no, I think I am free, then that's great. I'm not going to judge you because I want to keep this between me and God.

And you do what you think you're free to do. It's possible you might be right. Maybe it does mean you could remarry. And if you think with faith that that's what it means, by all means do it. And then I can't judge you because the Bible is gray on this.

So if you get remarried and I hear about it, I will then celebrate with you and rejoice with you and treat it as though it's God's perfect will for your life. Without sinning, by not actually participating in helping you rob the bank. Does that make sense?

And so there's got to be that sense within the church. And then people have to realize this is a gray area. Some brothers might struggle with this. Don't feel, "this is a second rate marriage because the elders wouldn't even come to my wedding."

Just realize the fact that we are saying you can do it is because we don't want to sin against our conscience. But we can't judge you because we just don't know. Maybe you're perfectly within the will of God to remarry that person. So when you come back and say, "we're married," we're not gonna look down on you.

We will say, "praise God." If you think you're free, it's great. Praise God. God's been so gracious to you. Does it make sense? The church sometimes has to live within these gray lines. Which is hard because we're individuals and God is a person.

Sometimes it's not as legalistic black and white as we would all like. Does it make sense? So again, in this context, you would be free. We've got a couple who's leading a church in JoshGen, who none of the elders could marry them because of that reason.

They got married outside of JoshGen, came back to JoshGen, and now they're actually leading a congregation. And it's not held against them because one day the Lord will judge. We don't know how to judge that. I don't look down on their marriage. I love them.

The Exception Clause for Marital Unfaithfulness

I think they're awesome. If you've got faith, that's great. Then you've got the one clear exception clause in Matthew 19:3-9. Some Pharisees came to Jesus to test Him and they said, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?"

Which is what they were teaching. You could divorce her for any reason. "Haven't you read?" Jesus replied, "that at the beginning the Creator made them male and female. And said, 'For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.'

So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." You've just said you can't divorce. "Why, then," they asked, "did Moses tell us?" They said command, but it's not command, he allowed, "that a man gives his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away."

So, in the law of Moses, you could in some scenarios give your wife a certificate of divorce. Notice they use the word command, which is not actually there. And what happens is, you're starting to bend the lines, you're trying to find a loophole.

Jesus replied, "Moses permitted," so He's correcting them even in that statement. "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman, commits adultery."

He repeats this in Matthew 5:31-32 and Luke 16:18. So it's pretty clear, it's mentioned more than once, it's two or more witnesses. So He gives this one exception. Except for marital unfaithfulness. This is the one area, and again it's permits, not commands.

Defining Sexual Immorality and Broken Covenants

Now again, the word used is *porneia*, marital unfaithfulness, and it literally means this—sexual immorality. So according to the enhanced Strong's lexicon, this is what the word *porneia* means. Fornication is used 26 times in the Bible, and it means illicit sexual intercourse. In other words, your spouse has sex with another person.

Sexual intercourse. Adultery, fornication, homosexuality, lesbianism, intercourse with animals, sexual intercourse with close relatives. That's *porneia*. That's it. That's the boundaries. So if your spouse has sexual relations with somebody else. Jesus said you are permitted, but for any other reason, no divorce. Which is also why I don't think "free" means "free," because He's just given the one exception.

But that's just my take on it. But for any other reason, He says, you're bound to that marriage. And if you divorce and remarry, you're committing adultery. And if you marry the woman, you're committing adultery. While I want to say that you might be allowed to divorce, and Jesus thinks you can do this.

And I think the reason for it is because marriage is such a holy thing, and sexual intercourse is such a deep holy thing. I know today it isn't. First dates in Hollywood, pretty much everyone sleeps with somebody. But actually, to God, it is a very holy thing.

It is actually, in some ways, the reflection of Him as two become one. And it's actually how you join yourselves together. It's how you consummate your marriage. In the Old Testament, your husband could walk away from you, if on the wedding night, you could not prove that you were still a virgin.

Because you've given away what should be his. Paul said, you have been promised to one groom. Permits. I would say permits, because remember as Christians, we ought to try and forgive as best as we can. I say, if your partner sins and comes back to you and says, "I'm so sorry for what I've done," your heart should be to try as far as possible to restore.

But that said, I think it's such a deep betrayal. Jesus knows that, and He says, for this reason, you can do it. Not ideal, but for this reason, you can do it. And then, logically, if your spouse has sex with somebody else, then you could divorce and you could remarry.

Because they've technically broken the covenant, and you're free now to actually move forward and remarry. Or, if a divorced person's spouse remarries, obviously you're also then free, because now they've consummated the marriage. You can't repent. You can't go back to that. You can't fix it.

The Gift and Purpose of Singleness

They've moved forward. But this would be for me the one clause that is very clear. Except for marital unfaithfulness. And Jesus does repeat it on more than one occasion. Which brings us to another thing. Singleness. The Bible does speak highly of singleness. In 1 Corinthians 7:7, Paul says, "I wish that all men were as I am," and he's talking about singleness.

Jesus remained single. Paul remained single. And many of the greats in the faith remained single. They were devoted to God. And Paul tells us why in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. For those that want to get married, he says this: "I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs, how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world, how he can please his wife. And his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs. Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman has got this big baby that she's got to look after. And she's concerned about the affairs of this world and how she can please her husband."

And it is hard work to be married to a man. "So I'm saying this for your own good, not to restrict you, but that you may live in a right way, an undivided devotion to the Lord." Being married is actually quite expensive. It's time consuming, it's costly, it's emotionally consuming.

Samuel's mother at one point, before he's born, she can't have a child and she's crying out to God at Shiloh. "Give me a child, give me a child God." And she's wondering if she's ever going to get a child. And her husband comes to her, and says, "Why do you keep crying for a child?"

Aren't I like 10 children? And I remember hearing that and just thinking, that's exactly what most men are like. You're like 10 children, you know. So much work. And that's kind of what Paul's saying, you know. It's a whole lot easier to be single and devoted because God is a perfect husband.

So enjoy your singleness while you've got it. And so there is a sense that there's a grace that comes to us. We can be single. The Bible does say that God will be a husband to you. So in some ways where you might feel alone, you do have elders to help you, and you've got God who says, I'll be like a husband to you.

Divorce and the Transition from Unbelief to Faith

Which means He will have a special relationship to you. To how a married woman would, because a married woman's got this other man, in some ways. Maybe, and I'm coming to an end. So the other question is, but this happened 30 years ago, it's a long time ago.

Aren't I now free to remarry? And I'm going to quote John Piper, because I think he explains this really well. He says the amount of time that has passed from the divorce and the change in standing from unbeliever to believer—in other words, even if I was an unbeliever, but now I'm a believer.

Doesn't that change? Because I'm a new person in Christ. Does not alter the application of the guidelines for divorce and remarriage. Because in Matthew 19:4-6 highlights the fact that enduring marriage is a part of God's plan for all of His human creation, not just His redeemed people.

And I agree with him. When you get saved, you're turning back to God's ideal. So it's not like you're saying, "Hey, I've got a brand new start." No, now I'm going to try and fix the things of my past. I'm going to turn back to God's ways.

And if I was divorced and I'm not yet remarried, well, now I know that I need to remain single. Or be reconciled to my husband. That might happen as you cry to God. At the same time, God might set you free. That couple might move on and remarry and then you would be free.

Walking in Holiness and Trusting God's Grace

But this is how we would normally read it. Well, it's pretty clear. And then finally, just to say, this is very difficult. And I know for some people it is a huge thing to bear for the rest of their lives. You don't know if it is the rest of your life.

Your partner, your ex-partner, the Lord might take them. They might remarry, you don't know. But for you, walk holy before the Lord and walk as best as you can in a right way before God. And also know this, that God understands whatever you go through.

He knows what it's like to be betrayed. He knows what it's like to have a spouse unfaithful. And the prophet Hosea, I mentioned earlier. He was a man who married this prostitute, and she was so unfaithful to him. And then God at one point talks, and He uses the word *porneia* actually.

In the Septuagint, because remember the Old Testament is in Hebrew. By the time Jesus came, no one could speak Hebrew anymore. So that the scribes actually translated the Old Testament Hebrew into Greek. Septuagint is in Greek, like the New Testament. So what that does, they've taken Hebrew words and they've translated them for us.

And they use the word *porneia* for what Israel was like in their relationship to God. In other words, Israel, God's people, had actually sexually given of herself. Again, sexually would be now spiritually, it's like a sexual thing. They'd given themselves to other gods.

Israel's Unfaithfulness and Spiritual Adultery

So in Hosea 2:2, "Rebuke your mother, rebuke her, for she is not my wife," God says, "and I am not her husband. Let her remove the adulterous look from her face and the unfaithfulness from between her breasts." He's talking here about Judah to Israel and He's saying actually Israel has been an unfaithful woman.

She's literally had unfaithfulness between her breasts and He's using sexual language to try and let us know what it feels like to God when we love other gods more than we love Him. It's as though we commit adultery with them. It's as though we give ourselves in *porneia*.

It's as though we are sexually unfaithful to Him. We don't love Him and keep ourselves pure to Him. Hosea 2:14-15: "Therefore now I'm going to allure her." So He starts off with, this is what it feels like. She's not my wife. But then He says:

God's Heart for Restoration and Faithfulness

"Therefore, now I'm going to allure her, I will lead her into the desert and I will speak tenderly to her," and you see God's heart. She's done this to Me, but I'm going to take her into the desert and I'm going to speak tenderly to her.

"There I will give her her vineyards. I'll give them back. And I'll make the Valley of Achor a door of hope. There she will sing as in the days of her youth. As in the days she came up out of Egypt." And so you've got this God who's now saying.

You are unfaithful to Me. And I don't even want her to be My wife. But I'm God, so I'm going to find her and I'm going to love her. And He ends off in Hosea 2:19-20, "I will betroth you to Me forever. I'll betroth you in righteousness and justice, in love and compassion. I'll betroth you in faithfulness and you will acknowledge the Lord."

And so God comes back to this unfaithful Israel. And He says, "I will love you back to Me. I'll be faithful to you until you turn away from your immorality and you love Me the way you should love Me."

And this is such a picture for us. If this is what God does with His people, how much more so we, as we learn from God and realize that He knows the pain of betrayal. He knows the pain of even divorce, because at one point He does divorce Israel because of a continued unfaithfulness. And He remains faithful with Judah. And Judah is the last tribe left, that one of the twelve tribes that remained faithful to God.

And so there's this picture of a God who knows the betrayal of sexual, of porneia, He knows divorce. But He's a faithful God. And He works, and He was faithful to Judah, who also was unfaithful to Him, just not as bad as Israel was. And so He loved her through and eventually, actually in Christ, He brought about her faithfulness. In Israel, in Judah, He brought about her love for Him.

And so today, as they were in the New Testament, the first Christians were Jews, they were Judah. And they came and they started to love Him like He should have been loved. But He won them over by how He consistently loved them and gave Himself to them even when they didn't deserve it.

Reflecting God's Love and Redemption in Marriage

And this is actually a picture of us in our marriage. As we give them what they don't deserve, as we love like they don't deserve to be loved, we bring the redemption of God into our marriage. And so even one believer can sanctify the marriage and you can have believing children.

Marriage is a holy, beautiful thing. Something that you enter into with prayer and God. And then you do your very best to reflect God in the marriage and to live your life in such a way that actually you glorify Him in all that you do. Wherever you are, you can glorify Him in whatever space you're in. Amen.