04 Listening Attentively

Hi there. Well, the subject that I'm looking at today is that of—listening attentively. This is a really important skill that we need to learn as counselors. And those that are sitting with people, trusting with them for breakthrough in their lives. When I think of listening attentively to people I think of God.

We have to have a really good theology about this particular skill in order for us to apply it. Generally, most people are not actually good listeners at all. Can you imagine what it would be like to live in a relationship with God and He was forever adding things—giving us instruction and telling us what to do before actually we felt like He was listening to us? And this is exactly what God is actually doing all the time. Which is just so profound. To consider that He has the fullness of all wisdom and all knowledge at His disposal.

Psalm 116: God Heard My Voice

He is wisdom, and yet God takes the time to actually listen to us and consider what we are saying to Him. He makes us feel incredibly important and valued. So, where do we see an example of this? Well, all over the Bible. One in particular is in Psalm 116:1-2, where the psalmist writes:

"I love the Lord because He has heard my voice and my pleas for mercy. Because He inclined His ear to me, therefore I will call on Him as long as I live."

Isn't that so precious? Just that, the psalmist is saying he loves the Lord because the Lord has heard his voice. The psalmist is saying that because God has listened to him, he has felt loved. He then loves God because God has just listened to him. Isn't that wonderful? So listening to people can actually just spark in them a love. Not only obviously for us, we're not really looking for that so much.

We want them to actually feel love by God through our lives. The psalmist also says that he loves the Lord because He's heard his voice and pleas for mercy and because He inclined His ear to me. He says, "therefore I will call on Him as long as I live."

So the love that the Lord shows him by listening to him, it actually sparks a devotion in the psalmist. He says as long as I live I will call on the Lord. There is this confidence that is instilled into the psalmist. He says, "Wow, I can go to God and God will hear me. God will listen to me. And so as long as I live, I know that's what I want to do. I want to come to God. Because He's somebody who listens to me." Isn't that awesome? So it puts a devotion in him and it puts a desire in him.

Just this fact, this simple, beautiful truth. This beautiful skill, in a sense, that the Lord is applying of listening. Isn't that wonderful? The same happens when we apply this act of love, this act of listening in the counselling space. It evokes love in people, hopefully towards God, and certainly from us as conduits of the Lord.

It sparks in them devotion in that they are then willing to come back again and actually give of themselves. Then open up themselves and then certainly even a fresh desire to do this again because we've created a safe space for them to open up in. It's exactly what listening does. It creates that space where, as we provide listening, there is a vulnerability that they feel they can move into and express their inner turmoil and find healing.

The Temptation to Fix or Interrupt

So, it must be said though that listening is easier said than done, isn't it? It's, generally, as people, we are fixers. And we want to sort things out. Also, we want to tell people what we have learned. We are generally consumed with ourselves. We often want to share our own opinion in a situation. The wisdom that we have gleaned from a teaching online or from our own life experience. Or perhaps what we have seen work in other people's lives. We generally can be very quick to share these revelations that we've had in the hope that they will help people.

Our intentions are good, but can often cut the process short of the person just needing to be heard. The person needing that space to kind of meander through their thoughts. And for us to be more like those who would guide their thoughts and ask questions. And lead them in their thinking and reflect to them just what they are saying, etc. And we need to recognize that sharing too quickly and cluttering the space of their sharing with our own thoughts can cut short their vulnerability and potentially cut short their own victory in the situation they find themselves in. So we need to be careful not to share just what we've learned through the latest book we've read. Or share our assumption of what we think the answer is or what the situation is.

Because perhaps we dealt with a similar situation before and now we are wanting to fix it with what we fixed it with the last time. I think one of the problems as well, and certainly in the charismatic church, that we do have the gift of the Holy Spirit, who has also given us the gifts of discernment and also prophetic senses. I have found often in our churches that we can have people who have already gone into a counselling context, having prayed, which is great. We all need to do that. But with that being said, they will go into the situation with a prophetic sense and are almost on the edge of their seats, ready to share that prophetic sense with people, which sometimes is wrong. And sometimes it's not wrong, but sometimes it's actually right, but it's the wrong time.

So it's very important that we also learn to listen to God and listen and be sensitive to the Spirit. That as we go into a situation with an assumption or a prophetic sense that may potentially be wrong, or it may be the wrong timing, because God wants to deal with something else. It may be, actually, that your prophetic sense does not need to be mentioned at all. It's more God forearming you and giving you the confidence to lead the conversation in a particular way. But you never need to actually mention that prophetic sense. Because as God has given you a sense of where things may need to go, you go there.

Rather than bringing in the prophetic sense right at the very beginning or midway through the conversation, hoping to kind of cut the time short with a God moment so that this person can come into this fresh revelation. It then leaves the person potentially in a place of just feeling like you were never really interested in them. Was this person really wanting to hear where I really am? And sometimes that's what we need to be doing. Just allowing the person that space rather than jumping in with a prophetic sense too quickly.

Self-Control and Being Slow to Speak

So for that, we need to actually exercise this awesome thing called—being quiet. Self-control. Exercise this gift called self-control. Galatians 5 says that's one of the fruits of the Spirit. We often would associate self-control with habits that we want to kick. I need to exercise self-control to stop this dirty habit, this habit that actually isn't pleasing before God. But self-control also has to do with the tongue. The Bible in James says that the tongue actually is a restless evil and that he who has learned to control the tongue is perfect. I think that is also because we are so often consumed with self or there is actually pride in us, that we want to show we have the answers.

We are then too quick to speak. But we need to actually exercise self-control, this fruit of the Spirit, in holding back when we are wanting to speak. James 1:19: "Know this, my beloved brothers. Let every person, every person, be slow to speak and quick to listen." It's just so interesting and profound that this would be an instruction coming from the brother of Jesus. That one of the things that He would take home from having spent time with Jesus was to be slow to speak. That means before you speak, you're thinking, "Should I be saying this right now? Should I actually be giving this counsel, this advice?"

I first need to be in that posture of attunement with God, being in tune with what the Spirit would want me to do or say. Also it says, "and be quick to listen." This actually is very clearly instructing us to prefer the side of listening than that of speaking, which all really also has to do with humility. Taking a road where we would actually not assume that we know what the solution is. Not presume that we know. And not to be too quick and interrupt people as they're busy sharing what is happening in the inner world.

Wow. God help us. We need Him to put in us a humility and self-control. Listening is actually about exercising the fruit of the Spirit. One of those wonderful qualities of self-control—holding back, not saying anything. So, listening is non-verbal, in that we're not saying anything.

Nonverbal Listening: SOLER Body Language

There is also non-verbal behaviour in listening that has to do with our body language. Now there's a very successful listening technique, abbreviated as SOLER, S-O-L-E-R. And I'll go through that briefly. Let's just look at this technique, where it is also very helpful in helping people open up. The "S" of SOLER stands for "squarely." Face people squarely. Adopt a position that people will get your undivided attention. Show them there that you're with them. If I'm talking to you like this, from the side, it communicates something. It communicates that I'm kind of half there.

But sitting squarely, positioning yourself. Your whole body posture towards the person communicates that I'm fully here. I'm present with you. I'm not anywhere else. I am with you. The "O", in also non-verbal communication, is to adopt an "open position". That is as sitting right now, my arms are not crossed.

I have opened up my arms. My body language to you reflects that I am open. As opposed to, well, I would like to teach you all something. There is an openness that we can adopt in our body posture that helps people feel comfortable.

The "L" stands for, to "lean slightly forward". Even as I'm speaking now, which communicates that I am relaxed. I am here, but I am partially just enjoying the moment. I've perhaps got some other things on my mind. But again, leaning slightly forward indicates that I'm engaged with you.

There is a fine line to this. I can lean straight forward, which brings an intensity to the moment. Should I be sort of on the edge of my seat? It's so important that we are leaning just slightly forward, which is also just helps the person understand that I'm interested in them.

Then there's the "E" of SOLER, which is to maintain "eye contact". If I am constantly looking in another direction or talking to you while I'm looking out the window? This is not going to communicate to the person that you are fully listening. So, establish eye contact.

Look them in the eye. It just indicates that you're paying attention. And then the "R" is for "relax" and be natural. This puts the person at ease and makes them feel comfortable, which all is part of this skill of listening. So, there are some verbal listening skills that we can learn and get really good at.

Reflective Listening and Clarifying Questions

It can assist people in decoding their issues of the heart. We can get good at these, and we need to. These are essential skills to learn, specifically that of reflective listening. Reflective listening is really like holding up a mirror back to the person.

And there are many different reasons for doing this. The one is for the person themselves, to hear what they've actually said. Sometimes them hearing back their own words can be a point of enlightenment for them. Wow, I didn't realize that it was so bad.

I didn't realize that I actually felt so deeply about this that I would have described it like that. It could also be that the person gets greater clarity and that as we reflect to them exactly what they've said, they realize, no, that's actually not the main thing.

There's something else behind what they've said that is the main thing. And it helps us go in a direction. It steers our conversation from there. It steers their sharing to a different tack. And that is really, really vital. It only happens when we reflect back to them exactly what they've just said.

By maybe picking out one or two statements out of a body of information. We may listen to some information and then say, "From what you've just said to me, I'm hearing you say X." It also helps the person to know that you are being attentive, that you are listening totally to what they're saying.

It helps them feel understood. And if you have heard correctly, it really sets you up for a great time together. From there of being able to explore the emotion and actually bring it to the Lord. So it can also, for you as the counsellor, eradicate assumption.

So often, as we mentioned earlier, we assume things, or we have a prophetic sense, or we might be applying what we've learnt in another situation. By reflecting back to them what we're hearing and allowing them to clarify to us, "Yes, you are hearing correctly."

It then can help us feel like, wow, I am on the right track. Let's keep going. So, it really is important that we learn just a few simple questions. And we're asking these questions as we go. It may be questions like this: You seem to be really irritated.

Not only because he didn't respond when you asked him to help, but because he seemed to deliberately try and hurt you. Is that right? And then you get them to answer. It may be something like this: I'm not sure I'm following you. Let me see if I understand.

And then reflect back to them. Would you expand on what you're saying so that I can be sure that I understand what you mean? Could you just talk a little bit more about when you said, "I was so angry I wanted to leave the house, pack my bags and go."

Could you just explain that a little bit more. Just embellish on what took place to get you to feel like that. Okay, well, what we're going to do now is to break up into pairs. And you are going to share a situation of where you felt hurt, disappointed, angry, or misrepresented or misunderstood with the person next to you.

So that's what you're going to do. And you as a listener are going to listen. You may reflect back to the person what you've just heard them say. You're going to exercise some reflective listening by merely listening to everything they say. Then say, "What I'm hearing you say is X.

Am I correct?" Or, "When you said this, it sounds like this particular situation was very hurtful for you." So you're just going to have three minutes now to put this into practice and exercise this really vital skill. All right, now that you're back.

Reflective Listening Debrief

I just have a few questions for you. When you shared your story, what was the experience like for you to share this difficult experience? What was helpful to you in what you've just experienced by sharing with somebody who was practicing reflective listening? And maybe was there anything that hindered you when you shared?

For you as the listener, what was it like for you to just listen? How was it different from your usual way of responding to a situation like that? Would you say that you don't normally do what you've just done? And then, what have you learned from your listening skills?