05 Empathy & Validation

Hi there. My name is Lorna Baker. And today I'm going to be speaking about empathy and validation. And before I do, I would like to just comment on this reality. We serve a God who, although He is truth, and He is righteousness, and He is pure justice, He's also a God of deep compassion and of great love for His people.

And because of that, and because we encounter that part of the Father, we impart that to other people even as we love them. I'm reading Psalm 145:8-9. "The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love. The Lord is good to all and has compassion on all that He has made."

That is the heart of God. God is not a God just of thinking and beliefs, but He's a God of emotion and relational realities of the experience of humanity. Isaiah 42:2-3 say this, "He will not cry aloud or lift up His voice or make it heard in the street. A bruised reed He will not break and a faintly burning wick He will not quench. He will faithfully bring forth justice." A God of justice is also a God of the bruised reed and the faintly burning wick. And when He sees us in that state, there's compassion and mercy to care for us very tenderly, even as He brings about justice. I love that about God and the reality that He puts those qualities into us, even as we bring justice and we care for people.

In speaking about empathy and validation, in my 25 plus years of counselling, one of the main comments or complaints that clients have had—if they've been through several other counselling experiences, which often people have. The complaints have not been that they didn't like the theory necessarily of the counsellor or the leader that worked with them. It wasn't necessarily the style, nor the amount of skill, or the years of training, nor the personality of the counsellor.

The number one complaint that I've heard many times is, "That person just didn't get me. I didn't feel like they were really interested in me. I didn't feel heard. I didn't feel understood. I felt like they'd already made an assessment about me, or they already had a framework they were trying to fit me into. Or I felt judged. I just wanted to feel like they could see me. Could they value me, even when they saw all my brokenness? They were giving me advice, but they weren't really hearing me."

And so with all of our training as counselors, pastors, leaders, our ability to be with another, non-judgmentally, to listen, to enter into their world, to see how they see, then to lead them out, is, I would say, one of the most impactful characteristics or skills that we can develop.

The Counselor’s Inner World Matters

A little bit of a prelude, and I'm going to give you a short exercise just to stop and think. Before we get into empathy and validation, I want to ask you: Are you aware of your own inner world of emotions, feelings, thoughts, when you share with someone or when somebody shares something with you? Because as leaders, it's very important that we are developing and we're aware of our own worlds. Do we give credence to our own feelings or do we overlook or disqualify them? Are you aware of how your emotions or your thoughts might impact your ability to be present to another person's emotions or to their experience?

So, for example, if you're very uncomfortable with anger and your own anger and you don't allow yourself to be angry, what are you going to do with someone else's anger? Will you be comfortable being able to hear it and speak into it? Or will you need to shut it down or tell them that it's sinful or it's wrong? Do you have the capacity to handle someone else's inner world when you're not comfortable with your own?

I'd like you to think of a situation for a moment. And after I explain this we'll just push pause and give you a couple of minutes to maybe share with another person your own awareness. Number one, are you aware of your own feelings? For example, imagine you're going into a difficult situation where someone's angry with you. And they call you and say, "Hey, I want to talk to you about that situation, I'm really upset." And you know that it is not going to be an easy conversation.

Are you aware in anticipating that meeting of your own feelings? Are you feeling anxious? Do you feel defensive? Are you on guard? Are you angry? Are you already planning how you will defend yourself and point out where they're wrong? Are you building a case beforehand? Are you going to be able to listen to them without defense, even if you don't agree with them? Have you already decided that they're wrong and you are right? Are you able to put yourself in their shoes? Really, to hear how they have experienced the conflict and then to validate that for them?

Are you even feeling escalated, heightened in your emotions as you think about going into that? Now I want you to look at the other side. Imagine what it must be like for them. Do you think that they're nervous? Are they afraid? Are they angry?

Are they uncomfortable? Are they concerned that you might not listen to them? Are they hoping that you'll be able to hear them, even if your experience is different? Are you going to judge them? Are you going to tell them they're wrong? And are they wondering, what if it doesn't go well?

What if I feel like they don't hear me? Then what happens? Can you step into their shoes and have mercy on them? And actually feel for the vulnerability of them coming to you? And even if they come in a lot of anger, can you anticipate or see that underneath that anger, they feel quite vulnerable around what's happening?

So I just want to push pause for a moment and give you a couple of minutes to share your thoughts around that with one another.

What Empathy Means

So, what is empathy? Empathy is the ability to take on somebody else's perspective. To recognize their perspective as what is very real to them. Getting inside their world, stepping into their shoes and seeing what they might be feeling and thinking and experiencing. And then reflecting that back to them. Empathy is staying out of judgment. Now that can be really hard for us. It's looking at their world through their frame of reference, not ours.

So, not mine, what I see, what they should be thinking, but rather can we not judge them based on our frame of reference, but see that that's really what they're experiencing. We might see sin, we might see certain issues that are at work. We might see the root of their dis-ease, but we wait. We don't judge, we see their world, and we carry a redemptive perspective that God is for them, and that so are we. And so we can hear them without judging it, even though we recognize certain things.

The next thing is, can we recognize the emotions in the other person and then even communicate those emotions back to them so that they feel understood? And often as people express themselves there can be a whole gamut of emotions from pain, hurt, sadness, loss, grief, fear, insecurity, anxiety, jealousy, envy, anger, rage, mistrust, suspicion. And can we hear those and reflect them back to them in a way where we're not criticizing them for having them? But we're saying, "Wow, I see those, I can see that you're feeling these things." So we're recognizing the emotions.

And then finally, do we have the ability then to feel with people? Not just perceiving the words that they're saying, but a lot of the underlying messages that are there. I find as well that, often even what people come with initially, it might be anger, but as you just validate it and allow them to process it, they themselves get to what the real issues are. That often with anger underneath it's disappointment, it's hurt, it's feeling rejected, it's feeling unseen. And if we stop at their anger and we aim at their anger, then they shut down and they don't feel safe. Because they don't feel heard, reading between the lines of being able to get down to what's really going on.

When a person experiences empathy from us, what happens is they take a big sigh of relief. And internally they say, "They get me. I don't feel judged. I feel heard. This is a safe place. I can share more." And that is the goal of empathy. It is not the end product, but it allows us then to become very attuned with where they're at. It enables the person then to share more openly and more vulnerably. And it then creates a bridge so that even if we don't agree with even their assessment, their feelings are real, their experience is real.

But if they feel like we can enter into their world, then it allows us to connect with them, so that we can possibly bring correction or correct their perspective. We can speak truth to them, or even give them some guidance in what they need to do.

Now, I know that a lot of you might be saying, what? But what if they're just spewing all this stuff and their perspective is completely skew? Or that isn't true, what they're saying is actually a lie, or they're not seeing it rightly. My job is to correct them and to tell them the truth. And I think it's really hard at that moment. Because there's something that rises up and says, but that's not what happened. Or, but you're not seeing. And it's almost like we feel a need in the moment to have to correct them. What I want to encourage you in is that, if they feel like you can hear them and all the confusion of where they're at and you can just be with them.

It's like they can then give you permission to begin to bring correction after the fact. Empathy builds a bridge of trust, attunement and connection that allows in a person to share their deepest pain. To share their shame, sins, fears, and then give relational permission to speak truth.

And to lead them out of their dark space. And you know, my experience too, in my first sessions with people, in a lot of ways, they're testing the waters. Asking themselves, "Do I feel safe with her? Do I feel judged? Is she gonna get me?"

Obviously as a counselor, I'm often seeing them over quite a few sessions. But I even say one of the primary goals of this first session is that there's a connection where you feel like I get you and there can build trust. Because if you don't trust me and you don't feel like I really can see you, it is gonna be very difficult for you to be open and vulnerable with me.

Speaking Truth with Compassion

And in light of that also, when I reflect on how God works with us. What I find amazing is that He can speak truth to us as the God of the universe, convict us of sin in such a way that we can fully face ourselves.

But simultaneously we feel seen, we feel valued, we feel understood and loved. And imagine ongoingly having relational situations with people that we are caring for, counseling. Where we can speak truth, but simultaneously they would say, "Even as you say that, I already know that you love me, that you're for me, that you affirm me, that you understand me."

And because we trust Him, He can lead us into repentance and wholeness. God gives us that same heart for other people. We're going to do an exercise in a few minutes. And so I just want to give you a little bit of an explanation of that.

Practical Characteristics of Empathy

So let's take a few minutes to think of a time when you shared something really vulnerable with somebody. It might've been a sin. It might've been a disappointment, a loss, a grief, anger, hurt. The experience might have been a positive experience or a negative experience for you.

I want you to share with another person about that experience and then share with them, how did the other person respond? Did you feel heard? Did you feel understood? Did you feel judged and misunderstood? Were you encouraged because of the space they made for you in hearing you to share even more?

Or did you find that you had to shrink back and you thought, "I don't feel like they really liked what I just said. So I'm not going to say any more." The reality is we've all had both experiences. And then if you reflect on how that person responded, what were the characteristics of their input that caused you either to feel open and safe or to shrink back and feel unheard or judged.

Here are just a few characteristics of empathy. First of all, it's acknowledging the person's pain. Perhaps the best thing that we can do is acknowledge how the other person feels. When we connect with someone's pain or struggle, then it actually helps them to feel supported.

So as they're telling their story, then some of our words back can be things like, "I'm really sorry you're going through this. I can hear the struggle. I hear the difficulty. I can see that there's been a lot of anger that you really had to wrestle through.

I can see that this has been a really, really difficult encounter." It might be, "Wow, there's a lot of sadness in what you're sharing." Or, "I can hear a lot of loss and grief." All you're doing is you're not giving advice, you're not giving perspective, you're reflecting back from an emotional level, from a heart connection, what you're hearing in them.

Some things not to do, would be this. "You shouldn't feel that way." When you tell someone they shouldn't feel that way, you shut them down immediately. Or, "Anger is a sin, you know." Or, "That sounds like self-pity to me." Or, "I think you just need to forgive or repent, or read a scripture."

Or any kind of advice that will shut them down. And then it's important, if they're sharing something, particularly if it has to do with you, or has to do with someone close to you, that you don't immediately defend them. "Yeah, but that's not what he meant."

"That's not what I said." Or to correct them. But rather, listen to them. So those things will shut them down. So, in acknowledging their pain, be careful not to say things that will close the door on their vulnerability. One thing I want to highlight as well.

And unfortunately I've heard a lot. And I've heard leaders say this. Is, somebody will be struggling with something and they'll say, "Are you not over that yet? Aren't you over that yet? Are you still dealing with that?" And it's understandable, particularly if it seems like someone just keeps on with the same track over and over again.

But oftentimes, why they say that is because they feel like they haven't been heard. So it's like that thing is driving them until they feel heard. If we say, "Aren't you over that yet?" That in itself, we don't mean to do it, we actually mean for it to be encouraging for them, or to help them to move on.

But it's like instinctively they say, "this person doesn't understand." A more beneficial response can be something like this, "I can see that it's been really, really hard for you to let this go. You really have been processing this for a long time, haven't you?

Do you feel like you've been heard or validated in the struggle? Because there is a reason you haven't been able to close the door, so let's find it together." And so then you might go back and let them say it again and say, "Do you feel heard?"

Go through the whole empathy process with them. My experience has been numerous times where I am amazed that people for years can carry something. That it comes out, it comes out, it comes out, and then they get judged or shamed that they're still carrying it.

And when they've had a chance to be sat down and say, "I want to hear you, and I want to hear what it is, and I want to validate it," and I'll say, "Do you feel like you've been heard?" It's like, "Thank you. Like, I feel like I've been heard." And then it's almost like once somebody feels like they've been heard, now they're able to let go of it. And then they're, obviously they might have to deal with their own sinful response from that point, and then you work with that.

Let People Feel Heard Before You Move On

But there is such power in somebody being heard. Second point: not just acknowledging their pain. The second thing is sharing how you feel. And this doesn't have to be a big thing. But sometimes it is okay simply to say, "I don't even know what to say."

We sometimes feel like we have to have answers, and we don't. We might just say, "Wow, I don't even know what to say. It's hard to imagine what it must have been like for you." And so we just give feedback that way of our own experience.

Or sometimes I'll say, "Wow, even as you say that, I feel the pain of it. So, I feel the pain as you're sharing that." And it helps to build a bridge. A couple of things in our speaking back that it's important not to do is to share our own story.

And a lot of us are guilty of that, including myself. Often because we identify with what they're saying, we'll say, "Oh yeah, I had that same experience and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And we, we start to tell our story. As soon as we tell our story, the focus goes off of them onto us.

And internally, they just say, "this isn't about you, it's about me. Can you just stay with me?" And yes, it's identification. But be careful to hold that story and stay in their story with them. The second thing is do not be quick to share a solution or to give advice or to analyze what they're doing.

Because what happens is we take them right out of their experience where they're trying to process their emotions. Out of their hearts, into their heads. And we've moved it out of heart into head. And in a sense we've lost them because right now they just want to feel like they're heard.

And men particularly are guilty of getting quick solutions. They want to fix it, give advice. And often as well if we're uncomfortable with the emotions of it, we want to go into cognitive and analyze and "well it must be this. Or you've got an orphan spirit, or you've got a father wound."

When we say that, there might be truth to it, but we actually lose people. Because we have taken them out of their story where they just need to be heard into trying to fix it. And it's almost like it dismisses the weight of what they're carrying.

So, just to be careful of that. So, we say things like, "Wow, I don't know what to say. I can't imagine what you must be going through." Or, "Even as you share, I'm identifying, like I can feel there's real loss or stress there."

Share Your Feelings Without Taking Over

Third thing is to show interest. Just to say, "How are you feeling about this as you're sharing it? What has it been like for you? I want to make sure I understand. What I'm hearing is that you're feeling this. Is that right?" We mustn't assume how others are feeling.

And sometimes when we say, "You must be feeling this," I might say, "No, it's not really that." And then don't say, "Yes, it is." Just say, "Well, you tell me what is it." So they are the expert right now of their inner world.

Encourage Without Silver-Lining Responses

Let them tell you. And then finally just be encouraging. Most people want to be encouraging when someone's going through a tough time. But sometimes our encouragement is misplaced in how we do it. Again, some typical things are we want to fix it quickly.

Like as they're sharing it, we don't need to fix. First they need to feel like they're fully heard. Then the other thing is what's often called the silver lining. We would say, "Look on the bright side. Well, at least this didn't happen." So, you say, "Oh, my husband and I have a lot of conflict."

Then the person might say, "Well, at least you've got a husband." "Well, I am really struggling because I had a miscarriage." "Well, at least you were able to fall pregnant." Things like that might be well meaning, but they're not. It's like you're trying to find the silver lining.

Don't look for the silver lining right now. They're in their pain and that will be quite a jolt for them to hear that. Showing empathy is more than just a few learned statements. But it's more about showing up and listening. And we don't have to get it right.

Sometimes we can just say, "You know what, I honestly don't know what to say, but I just want you to know that I'm here with you." And so our connection comes in feeling what they feel, seeing what they see, hearing what they hear, and walking in their shoes.

Empathy in Different Communication Styles

I want to make another comment that I think's important in this. It actually came up when we did a bit of a training with some leaders around empathy. It was me and another woman who were leading it. Women do tend to be more emotional.

They will say, "That sounds really painful. I'm so sorry. Oh, I really feel for you." We are quite emotional in even our expression of empathy. One of the men said, "I just can't do that. That is not me. It wouldn't be real." You can be a left brained, very cognitive male.

Maybe not really, really expressive in your emotions, but you can be incredibly empathetic. And sometimes it's as simple as this. When a guy shares some real pain with you and you just say, "You know what? That is really tough." You might say, "Bro, I'm with you."

So, it doesn't have to be emotional. It's attuning yourself at saying, "I hear you." So, it'll come in your own style, but very important that we can be empathetic with one another. Finally, in this session, before you close with somebody, this can be really helpful.

Check Whether They Feel Heard Before You Lead

So if you've been with somebody and you listen to them, do this to gauge the level of empathy or connection with them. Ask them, "Is there anything else that you need to say? Do you feel like I've heard you? And if you don't, where have you felt like I haven't heard you?"

And give them opportunity to tell you. Because if they say, "You know what, I do feel heard," you've created a bond with them that out of that place you've got more permission to lead them. When someone knows that you get them. You can ask, "Do you feel like you've been heard?"

And then you can say, "I'd like you to trust me to help you where I see some things that we can walk through. Will you allow me to do some of that?" So, now we're going to do another exercise, in pairs. We'd like you to practice empathy as one of you shares a difficult or a painful situation with the other.

Practice Empathy in Pairs

So, one of you will share a situation, and the other of you will be the listener who will practice empathy, and then we can switch. And so, these are the things that we want you as a listener to do: Acknowledge and reflect back the emotions.

So acknowledge the emotions that they're expressing. Reflect back your response of what you hear regarding that. And then encourage them. And you can even ask them questions to get them to even tell you more. And then two things not to do as you empathize is don't give advice, fix, or analyze what they're sharing.

Validation: Looking for Good Intent and Dignity

And don't tell your own story. The last section that I would like to cover is on validation. I'm not going to spend a lot of time on this. But I see validation as being different from empathy. But it's something over the recent years that I have seen to be quite profound.

Where empathy is stepping into the person's world and attuning and relating to where they are, whether you agree with it or not. Validation is feedback or perspective on what somebody does or says. That will look for the good, the noble, and the dignified in what they're saying or what they're doing.

So it's seeing the person, even in their struggle, even in their sin sometimes. But it's looking for what good they are doing in looking at it from a positive light and the positive intent in it. And so it believes, it notices, and it affirms the best intent of the person.

It says, "Hey, I noticed that." It gives dignity to the person in a hard situation. Here are a few examples of this. After someone shared, say, "You know what? It makes complete sense to me why you've seen it that way and why you felt that way.

Now, I might not grieve fully with you, but it totally makes sense from your perspective. I see why you see it that way." Another one: "It took a great deal of courage for you to share what you just shared." So someone's been really vulnerable and they're sore.

Just name that. "That took a lot of courage and I really appreciate it." Another one: "I can see that just by you being here, you want to face this thing and move ahead." So for a lot of people it takes a lot of courage even to come and talk with somebody.

So, you are infusing them with courage. "That took courage. Well done." Another one: I've said this with couples who've come and they've been in so much pain and so much conflict. I'll say, "I just want to say that I'm amazed that the two of you have found a way to cope and have held it together through all the difficulties that you've faced.

And you're still here. And I want to say as tough as it's been, well done. And then we really want to help you to get out of this even further." Another thing, when someone's just blown off a lot of steam and they've been angry, say, "Wow, you just got through all that anger.

That was a lot of anger. And yet, I can see that underneath that there's a lot of hurt and pain driving it." Or, "I can see that you're being able to see now that underneath the anger is a lot of pain or fear, or hurt.

And I'm really proud of you for being able to get through it and see what's underneath." Another one: "I can see how hard it is for you to risk being vulnerable. And for you to trust again. Well done." And so what we're doing is we're validating the bit that they've done really well.

Even if there's a lot of mess there. Because when people are in their mess, they feel like everything is wrong. And then a last one. "I'm so proud of you that this time you responded differently than how you've responded before." And people need to see that even though they're not there, they were here and now they're here.

And wow, look at the step that you've taken. You've taken a big step. And yes, we want to get there, but this is a big step. And so validation is looking for the good intent, looking for the integrity, the dignity, the strength, and the courage in somebody.

Validation Practice: Notice Courage and Growth

Even while they're mucking around in all of their pain. I just want to take a couple of minutes again to role play this. See how you can do with this. So, with the scenario that you've done with your partner beforehand, can you go back to that scenario and can each of you validate a couple of things that you noticed?

Whether it's courage, whether it's how they did it differently, whether it's how far they've come. Whether it's the fact that they've even opened up and talked about it. And can you say, "Well done" to them? And you know, I've seen people use validation and I have been amazed at the impact of it.

That as they validate someone, it's like, wow, that person has just been infused with courage. Infused with, "I can do it." It really does make a big difference. Thank you all very much. I really hope that this has been helpful for you all.

I hope your skill will grow as you learn about empathy and validation and as you practice it.